You Are Enough/2

Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on Isaiah 54:10

Here it is. More words that we are loved. … and peace, it’s just waiting on us, if only we lay claim to it. God holds some high thoughts for you. He wrote scripture after scripture of His love for all of us. He even sacrificed himself, His fleshly side as His own son. A sacrifice so great, that through His earthly death would bring us life.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9

Chosen! We were chosen. So that means, we are not just here. We did not accidentally slip through the creation cycle, but we were chosen to be made in His image. Chosen to be given the breath of life. How exciting that someone chose us to be His hands and feet in this world that is full of sorrow and grief. I love this part even more. “God’s special possession .” Not only do we belong to him, but we are special. We are called out of darkness into His marvelous light. A light that only He could radiate.

Why is it that we beat ourselves up so hard? We see so much in the Bible of Gods love. Yet we criticize ourselves, or even others, to the point we’re we start to believe we are not of any value or use. How many times have we stopped to think, how could we be of no use, not enough, or uncared for? When all along we were made in the very image of God, the most high. It’s like we tell Him straight up, you did this wrong., and yet Each person made was beautifully made. So, the next time you look in a mirror, you look at yourself and repeat it until you believe it, I am enough! I’m enough cause I am made in the image of the ever lasting God. I am beautifully made with love in His heart for only the best in my life. Tell yourself you are enough because you are Gods creation.

You Are Enough

Check out Tauren Wells “known“

https://youtu.be/QAKWod74VLs

Are you feeling cast down? Feeling like you are just not worth it. Not worth the fight? Not worth effort or the time? Well it’s time to grab a cup of coffee, or maybe a cup of tea and let’s talk…. It’s time for you to know your value!

First thing let’s start by who made you. No, not the physical mom and dad. Not the ones who raised you, or any of that. The ONE who made you. Your Heavenly Father. God, the alpha and omega, beginning and end, Counselor, prince of peace…. Oh and let’s not forget, the Ever lasting father.

God never makes a mistake. Sure, choices that we or other people make can cause His great plan to go dreadfully wrong. We can seriously destroy what was really intended for us, but He still never makes a mistake, He just reroutes His direction in our lives until we get back on track with His plan.

Let’s look at some verses to see just how valuable we are to Him

“l praise thee; for I am fearfully andwonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalms139:14

If you read prior to this scripture, David, who is the writer, was clearly distraught in moments of his life, but he knew his creator. He knew his father in heaven was higher than all his troubles, he knew that, no matter the outcome, God valued Him.

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.” Psalms 138:7

To think that the Lord’s thoughts are as countable as the sand!? I don’t know about you, but if I were to sit on the beach and start to count the sand. One little speck by one, I would never leave. If Gods thoughts are on us that much, just like He knows the number of hairs on our head, how much more should we realize we are enough, you are enough. You are valued by God, who treasures you most of all His creation.

Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. Like 12:6-7

“How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.” Psalms 139:17

In conclusion, we see with just a couple scriptures that God thinks very highly of us. This is not just the people writing that are special to Him, this is all of us, because God never makes a mistake.

I will be blogging more scriptures on how valued we are. Stay tuned, stay encouraged, blessed, and give God all your stress.

Your Mind Is Troubled

In these times of uncertainty, our minds can sway between, wrong, right, good and evil, and start to question life as we know it.

Some people are so distraught over their rights, they are missing the fact that they should be thinking about others and their safety. Some people are so worried about safety, they are willing to play their part in putting safety before the argument over rights. Some people are so worried about the job they just lost, that they are not thinking about rights or sickness, they are just hoping it will end so they can have a job to go to again.

During times of crisis, we, human kind, tend forget what is most important. We forget why we are really here. We lose sight that things will eventually get better. All we can see is the destruction, the heartbreak, and see nothing but tears. Don’t lose faith, don’t give up on what it is you believe in.

I was had a minister come to visit at my church and he said to me, as he was praying over me, your mind is troubled. It had been, troubled with truth, with frustration, it was troubled with doubt, and fighting my own mind trying to make me lose every spark of God that kept me safe and happy. The preacher continued to speak and told me something along the lines of, don’t you dare question what you know to be true.

Well, I want to share his words with you readers. Don’t you dare question what you know to be true. Don’t let yourself get so tied up in the nightmare that you forget who you are, who created you, and who has you clear until the end of time. God has never turned His back on you, He is just watching. He is watching to see your dedication, watching to see your love and your strength. When your strength becomes too weak and you finally have had enough of your own mind, God’s strength is there to pick you up, to put you right back on top of the mountain. God’s strength is enough to crush any enemies, bold enough to slay all demons, and epic enough to pull you from the deepest pit of what you feel is your personal hell.

Times may be hard, and your mind may be quivering in the balance of your faith, but let that faith rise, let God swoop down on the wings like eagles and carry you to a heavenly high, and rejoice because, in the end, the only thing left standing will be you and God. Not doubts, not pain, not heartache, and not the negativity of life, but just the peaceful omnipotent Father of all creation, you, part of His best and highly favored child.

Battle Of Life

Times have been a struggle lately. Emotions weigh heavily, and it feels like a whirlpool of water, sucking you in with each swirl round. You try to grasp onto something, anything as it pulls you faster toward the center, as if you are heading toward the center of what would be a tornado. The swirl has nothing to grab onto though, so you just keep moving, sucked in by the gravity pull as it goes faster. This is life, the constant struggle, the constant fear that you will always be pulled into the harsh, brutal times that are only out to get you. If only you could grasp air, just breathe, but the water spurts into your lungs as the whirling pulls you closer to the middle. This is life, it’s suffocating you. How can you hold on when everything feels like it is drowning you? You can’t look back, you see no outlet. You just keep swirling round in the whirlpool, waiting for it to all end. It’s no good, just give up. Life has beat you, and you have tried so hard, but there is nothing to hold onto, nothing to pull you out of this destruction. It has won. You gasp for your last breath as it pulls you in, water overpowers your lungs. You sink into the dark, and close your eyes, praying for the last attack of life to end quickly, but it doesn’t end. Here you are, standing in the middle of the whirling water, but seems more like the center of a tornado. It’s mocking you, thinking it won, but in the center, it’s calm and clear. It’s a nightmare around you, but you are centered, focused, and stable. Your strength grows and you see a way out. You look up and realize, all you have to do is climb. You just have to pull yourself up through the center and ignore all the chaos around you. It’s not what is on the outside that matters, it’s what is in the moment inside of you. Then you see it, the way to freedom. You climb through the center, as if the whirl has steps. One hand and foot, each going a step higher. The whirling breaks in parts, as you are pushing on higher. It can’t handle the breaks in it’s swirl as you dig into it with every rise above from lower ground. You finaly reach the top, climb out and look back. It’s now just a pool of water, sitting calmly, sparkling in the sunshine. You see your reflection looking back at you, hair a mess, looking as though you have been in a battle, but you won. You see peace in your smile, and see calmness in your eyes because you feel a change, and you walk away, a soldier, going home to rest with confidence that you were victorious in your battle of life.

Your struggle doesn’t define you, you define your struggle.

Someone needs to hear this with their heart. They need to breathe deeply and let it all sink in, one small word at a time. What we deal with doesn’t make us, but it does shape us. It shapes us to be; overcomers, compassionate, loyal, wise, tenderhearted, and could very well be the story to someone else’s chapter to help them find their way through their struggle. It does feel overwhelming when you feel like you made a mistake, like you were not good enough, or you just don’t know what to do in certain situations. Just because you don’t handle everything perfectly is not a sign of failure, it’s more like a sign that you are in a lesson. A mistake is just a trial and error. A mistake, but getting back on track is a, I see where I did that wrong, but now I know how to correct it.

A struggle may be with forgiveness. We know, biblically, that we have to forgive to b forgiven, and sometimes we just are not ready. Forgive comes in baby steps. You are not going to be able to just wake up one day and say to yourself, it doesn’t bother me what they did to me, or said about me. I’m fine with it all and have no care about it now. That is not how life works, unfortunately. Forgiveness comes from healing. Once you start to heal, the things that are lacking forgiveness gradually go away. One day you’ll see that the struggle to forgive doesn’t even bother you anymore. It’s like a scraped up knee with a bandage on it. It needs air to breathe, if you suffocate it, it takes longer to heal, due to the moisture. You have to stop thinking of the things that cause you to be angry, to stop dwelling on the scenario of, he did, she did me wrong. Place you focus on other things. Music, walks, movies. Family, anything you can find to keep your mind dwelling on the good things. Before you know it. You will have defined your struggle, you will rise up and be someone else’s guide on strength to forgiveness.

Whatever you give your heart to is what defines you. Give your heart to loving and helping others, you will be seen as an angel sent by God. Give every part of yourself to worship and praise, you will be victorious in prayer and see the outcome of God’s glory.

If you find yourself struggling with negative things coming your way, you define yourself as a warriorby holding a good attitude, by showing you can stand tall and strong, and not be broken by the pain. If you choose to do everything through God and let Him guide your steps, you will be defined by Him.

He is using pain to break you.

People go through so many different times. Blessings, flowing wealth, wonderful health, perfect job, then bam! The breaks are put on and all the negative stuff starts to hit. Maybe there are problems at your job, or the loss of a job. Health stats going down hill, family members are ill, or mad and stop talking. Maybe it’s the loss of a marriage, the love of your life up and decides to leave. Our lives are a vicious cycle of happiness, confusion, and hurt.

But

Did we ever stop to think that maybe God has a plan he is spinning out of our pain? It’s hard to see anything good coming from us being hurt, but maybe God is breaking us, little pieces at a time. Maybe there is something in our happiness that is displeasing to God. It could be that it is pulling us away from Him, or that he sees a deeper hurt in the future if we stay in the portion of our life we are in. Maybe He is saving our soul.

God used Joseph and his pain to get him to the palace. Joseph was so bad off, right down to being accused of trying to rape a woman, that he was imprisoned. Had he not been there, he would not have been in the palace to save his sorrowful brothers and father from the drought.

Job lost his health, his wealth, his children, but would not curse God, even though his wife was pushing him to do so. God blessed job far greater than ever before, had Job not held fast and had he abandoned God maybe he would never have gained the blessing and healing.

King David brought on his own grief by sinning against God. He slept with another mans wife, she became pregnant, and he had her husband killed. God took the life of His child, even after David prayed and repented, but God later continued to use Favid and to bless him. God had to break David to save his soul, He had to make him see the path he was going was destruction.

No matter our failures, trials, heartache, God has a plan. We need to learn how to be open to what God is trying to do in our lives. We need to learn how to submit to God and give him control over our choices, thoughts, and outcome of our heartache. If we put our trust in God and believe that He has everything covered in the end, we will make it through our hard times with much more peace. God is not only our heavenly father, saviour, and friend, but he is also our crutch. He is there to lean on, the cast our cares on, He is just waiting for us to tell Him to pick us up and let Him help us through all the things life throws at us. Whatever you are holding onto, whatever has your mind tormented, and your heart heavy, give it to God and let Him hold you as He walks you through life’s tornado.

Steadfast In Christ

Have you found it hard to stand your ground, in the Lord, lately? I have found myself being challenged, by a person who claims to be atheist, to prove God exists. Well, it’s as simple as this, you can’t. Proving the supernatural is 100% impossible. We are not to prove that God exists, we are to prove we believe in Him by example. In the way we behave, speak, show love, compassion, consideration, and our words, it all shows goodness and Godliness. We show Gods grace by not; arguing, being disrespectful to one another, even when we are faced with someone who really should be put in their place. I have had to hold myself back lately, due to a couple people that wanted to fight over womans rights. The fact is, you really can’t change someone’s mind that has been made up, but once you state it that your opinion differs from theirs, it’s all down hill from there. We can and should be able to coincide with each other, even when we have very strong, opposite opinions. We must stand our ground for what we believe in, but should always be respectful toward one another.

As these people were trying to make me lose faith in God, I could feel my mind trying to start to see their viewpoint, but knowing the love I have felt, the life saved and healing miracle of my daughter. The blessings of my family, job, home, and heavenly protection, I have no need nor desire to try to prove that God does or doesn’t exist. We, as Christians, are blessed far more than some of us even realize. We are covered in Jesus’ blood for a multitude of sin. We are loved, so deeply, that it can not be measured by mankind. So, I should search it out to prove that God does not exist? Why? So I can be as miserable as the ones that are full of anger, hurt, lack of feeling love, and feel that only death remains? Gods love shows us every day that He is and always was. God shows us He is forever present. God shows us that, even through our struggles, heartbreak, and swaying doubt, He is right there to pick us up. We can see Him in the smile of a baby, hear Him in the song of birds, feel Him as we roam through nature, appreciating its beauty.

We were created to love one another, to uphold each other and to glorify God by acting as He would want us to act, not by trying to prove the atheist wrong, or fight the ones that may struggle between believing and not believing.

While these people were mocking God, and mocking other Christians, things started taking a turn. They were getting angry at me for everything, even when I was agreeing or not agreeing with them, but I held strong on not arguing, I held against lashing back to ugly words, and ended with have a great day. These people finally deleted me on Facebook, and I felt peaceful over it. I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I believe God released me from the obligation of showing who He is to these specific people, He released from being belittled. He gave me peace from having to be the strong one, having to practice holding my tongue, as I have struggled with many times in the past. He gave me the ability to choose how I would react to people were unkind, and heartless. The test was there, and I was able to hold it back, due to His time of working on me with my patience. Did it hurt? Maybe a little, but mostly, I just felt peace, I felt like I was given a great gift by God to show His grace and love, and felt relief when He freed me from it.

No matter how hard it may be, words, anger, the constant being put down just for being you, rise above it. Don’t let anything or amyone come between you and your walk with Jesus. The best way to win souls is to be God’s hands and feet, to be His love and compassion. Hold your head high and praise Him, cause He is with you every step of the way. Believe in yourself, cause after all, He believes in you. Once your trial of standing for Him is over you will find an amazing peace, you will feel renewed, you will feel justified in yourself that you stood, in your most venerable time, and you showed, through your example, “I am steadfast in Christ and nothing can break me.”

Part 1….. the man that almost destroyed her

Grace awoke next to her husband, Neander, the man that she had been married to for ten years. It had been a long ten years, she felt like she couldn’t remember half of their life together. There were bits and pieces of their lives that crossed her mind from time to time. While they were dating she felt as though time was going slowly. They met while both working at the local diner. Grace got out of bed and went down stairs to make herself a cup of coffee. Their girls, Harmony, the oldest, and Marie, the youngest, were still in bed asleep. Grace got her coffee, added in more creamer and sugar than the average person, and went outside onto the back porch. She turned on the small t.v. and began to catch up on all her favorite shows. This was her favorite pass time, when she and Neander weren’t taking the children out to activities. The phone did its ding, notifying Grace that she had a message. Grace sighed, great. It’s him again. She had tried to get the guy to understand that she didn’t want to keep talking all the time in messanger, but she didn’t want to be rude. She posted publicly about not talking to other guys in messanger all the time, she stated she was deleting it. She tried to get it through to him that she didn’t feel comfortable about it, about all the talking. The truth was, Grace was very annoyed that he wouldn’t leave her alone, but Jacob either didn’t take hints, or just didn’t care. “Well, this will eat up a chunk of my day.” Grace said to herself as she responded to the message from Jacob. As the day went on, the kids got up, Grace fixed food for the family, did laundry, and watched more of the shows as she folded the clean clothes.

Grace sat, thinking about the good times the family had together; fun zoo trips, playing with the kids, going skating, movie nights when she and her husband were dating, the trip to the natural bridge. They did have good times, but Grace felt drained. She felt like life just stopped for her. There was a loss of feeling loved and loss for feeling love toward caring. She was feeling numb, depressed, and losing the love for life. Trips with her family would pull her out of her negative feelings, it brought a joy to her and lifted her spirit, but once they returned home it was back to the same old routine. Work, make supper, help kids with homework, do laundry, and so on. Grace felt alone, even though she was married. She felt like she was the “live in maid” and half of the time she felt as if she was unwanted.

Jacob continued to contact Grace. She was feeling useful, starting to feel appreciated. Being told that she was making Jacob a better person, he was not cussing near as much because of the effect Grace had on him. He wasn’t feeling near as depressed as he normally did. It made Grace feel good to know she was helping Jacob, so she started pushing aside the feelings of not wanting to talk to him so often. She was finding purpose in life, to be there for others, to help them become better people, starting with Jacob.

As the days carried on, spring arrived, as well as the stomach bug. Grace went to facebook with a prayer request for her family to be over it quickly. This was done shortly after she had made a previous post about not talking to guys in messanger. In the comment section Jacob made a comment saying, “you deserve it.” Grace felt outraged over this. She had been nothing but friendly to Jacob. How could he say something like this to her? Grace’s whole body felt like it was on fire. She felt the blood boiling all the way up to the crown of her head. This was her chance to make it stop. The constant messeging, the disrespect of not caring that she wanted to slow the conversations down a bit. So, she blocked him. As the days went by Grace began to feel guilty for blocking him. Was it the Godly thing to do? “Maybe I shouldn’t have reacted in haste and anger.”Grace thought to herself. The guilt was starting to overwhelm her. She made a trip into the store where he worked to apologize. Grace felt like she was walking in with her tail between her legs, as though she had done something almost unforgivable. She had sent him a message of apology right before entering the store and saw him on his phone, she figured he may have been responding to her. “You really shouldn’t be on your phone while working.” Grace said as she walked through the entrance with her two girls with her. Jacob looked up, suprised to see her walking through the door, and spoke, “you’re probably right.” Grace went on to explain how she didn’t mean to get so angry and just went way overboard with letting her feelings get the better of her. She and the girls hung out for a while, talking and catching up on meaningless chit chat. That night when Grace was home and had her youngest tucked into bed Jacob messaged her again. Grace felt relieved. She felt like she had made things right and could now move on to be a good friend. She lied there with Marie for a long while, waiting for her to finally drop off to sleep, while talking back and forth with Jacob. Grace didn’t know how it happened, but somehow Jacob started talking, in messanger, about feelings for him from Grace. Grace started to feel the heat rise in her body again. She knew they had a lot in common, both joked around a lot. Found the same things funny. He made her laugh with his goofiness. Grace had been asked the same question a few years before by another man, he asked if she could see them together as a couple, if they both were not married. Grace was kind of puzzled by this sudden question. They were just friends at work, and then he asked her something like this? She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so she responded with a, “sure.” Not really giving it much thought until later. He had responded, “me too.” That was all the farther the conversation went with him. They continued to just be friends, he respected that they were both married and jut seemed to want to know if she felt like they would be compatible for dating, had things been different. Here Grace was again, faced with the same question. Grace gave the answer of yes, she liked him. She was trying to make it known that he was not unlikable and if she was not married she would consider dating him. Besides, nice people deserve a chance at love, so why not? Grace told Jacob she needed to go to bed because she had to be up early for work. He made a joke that she would dream about him that night. Grace responded, “that would be fine except for the fact that I talk in my sleep.” Grace didn’t mean anything by it. She was making a joke about herself because she did talk in her sleep, but Jacob took her innocent joke and fed on it, unknowingly to Grace. The messeges got to be more often than they used to be, and Grace was starting to enjoy talking to Jacob even more. She felt of value, she felt like someone really cared about her. Neander was always in his own world, talking to his friends on messanger, reading his book, and almost always hanging out upstairs in his and Grace’s bedroom. This was how life had become in their marriage, Grace in her world, Neander in his. Grace regretted it, but alot of times when she and Neander were around each other they ended up fighting, or not acting like each other was even in the same room. Screaming and sarcasm was just part of their nature, although they both hated it, it never stopped. Jacob complimented Grace, telling her she was such a good mom and wife, how he would love to have a wife like her one day, she was like a wife out of the leave it to beaver kind of times. Grace was thrown by this. “So, I’m retro? I guess that’s a sweet comment from a good friend.”

Grace and Neander took a trip with the family, it was nice to have a day out, but along with the trip came the messages. Jacob and Grace spoke back and forth. “You have beautiful eyes, those are my favorite part of you.” Jacob told Grace. Grace was feeling excited, she was being noticed. Grace looked over at Neander, “what is your favorite thing about me?” She asked, trying to build a lost connection. She needed to hear this from her husband. She was feeling so vulnerable. There was so much distance between her and Neander, but she wasn’t ready to throw the marriage away. Grace had told this to Jacob on the many occasions that he tried to get Grace to leave her husband. She believed that married meant something, but she was feeling so abandoned right now. No matter how she tried to fight for the marriage, she felt like it was crumbling and she felt like maybe she was with the wrong person. Maybe Neander was with the wrong person too, they both were making each other miserable. “Why can’t he just see me as someone other than a maid? See that I have feelings and need to feel love, that I am drowning here, and feel like I can’t take much more. I need someone to help me, i hate myself, I hate this life I’m forced to live, and there is a person that loves me and wants to be with me, yet here I am, stuck, married to someone else, who feels as stuck as I do.” These were the thoughts going through Grace’s head lately, now the Jacob kept pushing her by saying God didn’t want her in the marriage, that God wanted them together and they were made for each other. At first Neander couldn’t give an answer to Grace about what he liked best about her. He finally came up with that he liked her back. “My back?” Grace lit the car up with attitude and in disgust. “All he finds attractive about me is my back?” The thought ran through her mind. She sat, quietly, in the car for a minute, then Neander spoke again, is this about Jacob? “Give me a break! Don’t try to make this about him” Was all Grace could say. She knew it was because Jacob had brought up her eyes, but she didn’t know how to discuss how things had been going down lately. Jacob had been her friend for two years and she felt like she had to protect him. Jacob had been bullied and had so many best friends just up and leave him, and he had no idea why. He had been so hurt from all the betrayal, Grace couldn’t do that to him, even if he had been getting very inappropriate with her a lot lately. She just brushed it off, changed the subject as best she could, and continued with their friendship. She would find herself starting to fall into his conversations talking about their future, if they ever have one. Every once in a while she would shut him down, or just say okay, or tell him what he said was interesting. Grace really didn’t know how to handle the situation. She liked feeling special, she liked helping him to not feel so depressed all the time. So, she figured she could handle it by not dwelling on what was not really happening and just look at it all as a hypothetical situation. There was no way to talk to Neander about what was going on. He wouldn’t understand her, and he wasn’t really there when she spoke to him anyway. She felt like he never really heard anything she said.

One day, Grace stopped in Jacob’s store again because he made her a gift. He asked her if he made her a bracelet, that said queen in German, would wear it. Grace didn’t want to be rude, so she kindly said she probably would. “How will I get it to you?” Jacob asked in messanger. “I can stop by your job and pick it up.” Grace went in, figuring he could just give it to her, but he wanted to place it on her wrist. She felt a little weird about it, and reluctantly put her arm forward and he fastened it on to her wrist. He made himself one as well, it said king, in German, as well. He told her now she was his queen. Here again, Grace just didn’t say anything. It made her uncomfortable, but she was stuck in a feeling of being numb as to what to do, so she did nothing. Grace helped Jacob put some items together for his job and enjoyed talking, laughing, and hanging out with no worries in the world. Grace was having fun, but suddenly a thought went through her head. It scared her, the thought of Jacob shoving her up against the wall trying to have relations with her crossed her mind. Grace got nervous. Why did this thought cross her mind? she wondered. Was it because one of the times she had been in the store before he told her about another guy that worked there was fired for going in the back and doing that with another girl? Why did he tell her that story anyway? Grace freaked out. She didn’t want him trying anything on her like that, so she wrapped things up. “I gotta go!” Grace said quickly. She took off and called it a night for hanging out. It took Jacob no time what so ever to keep communicating. He pressed her with questions to find out why she left so suddenly. She didn’t want to tell him. It was bad. It felt horrible to her and she started having thoughts like, what if he did try something? She liked him, but she didn’t want anything to happen to make it go that direction. Not until Neander would do something again to cause her to leave him once and for all. She thought maybe Neander was actually in love with his best friend. They talked all the time and he shared everything with him, but wouldn’t talk to her about hardly anything. He went to therapy for a while and told her it was none of her business how it went, but told his friend everything. So she thought she had it figured out. He was always angry at her cause he was stuck with her and really wanted to be with him. His friend came out that he was gay after they were married, so she felt that was held against her by Neander, as well as everything else he disliked her for. Grace sent a message to Jacob being brutally honest to his question that she instantly regretted. ” I had a vision of you “f”ing me, ok!?” She didn’t mean for that to come out, but she had been so irritated and consumed with a million feelings, she didn’t know what else to do. So, there it was, the horrible message that he, no doubt, took in a wrong way, that she didn’t even mean the way it came out. It sounded like, game on, to a man who is trying to make a woman his prey.

Grace went through the next couple of weeks in a blur. She continued talking to Jacob, trying to be friends, but getting sucked into his hypothetical future with them together, continued seeking for attention from Neander. Grace noticed she was starting to lose weight. She dropped twenty lbs within a couple of weeks, was beginning to get stressed out.

Later, Grace was at the mall, she ended up hanging out with Jacob, they started looking around in some stores. Jacob grabbed her from behind, wrapping his arms around her. He had asked, multiple times in his messages, if he could hold hands with her and kiss her. She had always told him no. Being married, she wanted their relationship to stay as friends. She would hang out once in a while just to say hi, nothing more. Now he was holding her. Why was he being so demanding? Grace thought to herself. “I should tell him I didn’t invite him to hang out to keep touching me!” She wanted to say it, she knew she should say it, but the words wouldn’t come. Grace just calmly walked away instead, blowing off what he was doing so she wouldn’t seem to be making a big deal out of nothing. “He is really making me uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do or say.” Grace just kept thinking to herself. Jacob and Grace went over to where they sold furniture; sofas, love seats, and recliners. Jacob sat down on a sofa and spoke . “Come sit, let’s try it out.” Grace didn’t want to. She wanted to leave. She was really feeling outraged that he totally went against her decided and plainly stated no as to touching her. Jacob patted beside him on the seat. “Come on, sit.” She finally did, but she sat up against the arm of the sofa, as tightly as she could. He moved in on her as close as he could, caressing her up on her ear, nibbling at it, going all over the side of her. Grace sat there feeling numb and choked up. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move. He had her frozen to the seat. Her mind went blank, she felt it trying to come back, but it would shut down again. He finally stopped, at least she thought he did. Grace stood up, looked straight at him, all she could say was, are you ready to go? Jacob stood up and they started walking toward the escalator. There were beds sitting across from the sofas, Jacob said, “let’s try these out.” Grace looked at him, thinking, “what is wrong with him, why is he being so aggressive with me.” She gave a decided no and they walked away. Jacob had been asking for them to hold hands again. She was constantly saying no to him. He wouldn’t stop, he was so strong willed and didn’t want to take no for an answer. “I just want to stop in one more store.”Jacob told Grace. Grace was now feeling so out of it, she just walked along where ever he went, not knowing how to act anymore. She felt herself becoming very quiet, she felt betrayed, and felt guilty that he had been touching her. They walked into the store and started looking at books. Jacob brought a book over to her and started flipping the pages. Grace looked down at the book and was now fully disgusted. “That’s gross!” Grace said as she slammed the book shut while it was still in his hands. “I just want to give you ideas of things we can do if we are ever together.” Jacob said, acting completely innocent. Grace was dumbfounded. She walked away with her head now doing a full 360 spin. Grace walked back to him again, trying to let him know she was ready to leave. She stood there in the middle of the aisle, no words came out. Jacob leaned over and kissed her on the lips. Grace’s head couldn’t take anymore. She couldn’t move. She wanted to push him off of her, but she couldn’t tell if she did. She couldn’t feel herself. She felt as though her body was a shell and she had left it there, high and dry with some guy forcing himself on her with all the touching he had done and now the kiss. Grace opened her eyes and saw Jacob in front of her. He turned to the side and said, “thank you.” “Thanks for what?!” Grace thought. “I didn’t do anything, I didn’t even okay this. How can you stand there and thank me?” Grace became very quiet with these thoughts running all over her head. On the way out of the mall Jacob stopped in a little store that sold drinks and junk food. “I need a drink, do you want anything?” Jacob asked. “No thanks, I’m good.” Grace responded in a hushed, feeling totally embarrassed tone. Jacob kept on insisting, so Grace finally let him buy her a propel water. They went their own separate ways and parted for the night. Grace pulled into her driveway, she felt like crying. The anger, guilt, and confusion was so overwhelming. She couldn’t even look at Neander when she walked in the house. She curled up in a ball, sitting on the chair outside on the back porch, her head ready to explode

Part 2 ….. the man that almost destroyed her

The messages were intense, non stop, and forever going on. Jacob wanted to hang out again. Grace told him, “I can’t hang out with you any more, you can’t keep your hands off of me.” Jacob responded, “I promise not to touch you anymore. Let’s just hang out as friends. I wont touch you. You make my depression so much better when we hang out.” Grace told him no multiple times. Jacob sent her a message wanting to know if he could send her flowers. “No, it would look weird, me getting flowers from another man.” “What if I send them to where you work?” Grace was getting aggravated with Jacob. “No.” Grace messaged back, again. “You could just say they are from a friend, you work hard, you deserve to be treated nicely.” Was Jacob’s next push to trying to send Grace flowers. Grace was firm in her choice and Jacob finally gave up the idea of sending her flowers. Grace’s thought was, “why would it be anything other than a friend sending them, that’s all we are.” but Jacob had other ideas.

Grace had a long day at work, she was tired, the kids were fighting, her husband was in the other room doing his thing, she felt alone again, like so many other times. She felt half sick inside. She found herself wanting to be with Jacob because he paid attention to her, but she was starting to see a side of him that seemed too pushy. She knew she was done with being caught in his trap again, but she couldn’t stop being his friend. Grace went outside onto the porch to get away from all the noise, she made herself a cup of tea to take with her to try to relax. There was Jacob, messaging her again. She felt a burst of excitement shoot through her, at least Jacob wanted to talk to her. That was more than what she was getting at home. At home, Grace was the maid, the cook, the care giver of the home, the mom to be walked all over, the woman that felt she really had no place, was just there. Jacob started going into details of their future again. Grace loved talking to him, but she just wanted to keep it simple. Get to know you, be best friends, someone to fill the void of feeling lonely. She just needed some companionship. Grace had started thinking about death in the last couple of years. The only thing that kept her going was knowing she had her kids, and she was raised to be a Christian, so she knew she had to make those kind of thoughts stop. Jacob helped her feel better about herself, just by knowing she was able to help him. Jacob’s messages started again of their, in Grace’s eyes, hypothetical future together. “After supper i would clean up the dishes and tuck the kids into bed, while you would sit down and relax a little bit. Then at bed time I would sweetly try to talk you into making love to me. Grace was reading his messages thinking, he seems like he would be a great guy. Take part of the work off of a womans hands, give her a little space and time to just unwind. Then she read his text about the, “making love.” Oh brother, she thought. Here he goes again. Grace responded with, “WOW! You would do the dishes?” Jacob typed back, “well, yes. It would only be fair, considering you did all the cooking.” Grace thought that was a good man. He knew the value of being a team player. They chatted back and forth many nights, but Grace never gave in to the sexual talking that Jacob loved to make arise. Grace found it easier to just ignore it by changing the subject, or just responding with the word, “interesting.” Grace was becoming consumed by messages, her mind was starting to revolve around what her life could be like if she gave Neander the get out of jail free card. She was sure he didn’t want to be with her. His constant distance, physically and emotionally, spoke it loud and clear that he was stuck. He was stuck just as bad as she was stuck, but there was still something pulling her to not give up. She still felt a desire to fight for her marriage. Grace found herself so torn between Jacob, who was starting to say he was in love with her, and Neander, who she just couldn’t figure out if he cared for her at all, let alone even loved her. Grace found herself starting to talk to Jacob about it. How she wished she knew how Neander felt, how she wished she knew she felt. She joked around at times telling Jacob she wished she could just keep them both. Grace was worried that if she made a choice to leave and Neander did really love her, she would crush him, but she felt like if she stayed she was ruining his chance at true happiness for who he was longing for. Grace sat on the porch again, crying. She felt she was trapped in a marriage with a man that didn’t want to be with her, and declining a man that truly loved her. She felt like she was going crazy. She had lost her appetite over the last couple of weeks, found herself wanting to scream, and throw things. Grace walked in the house, went upstairs into her bedroom and felt like her head was spinning. She didn’t know where to turn. She was so mad at herself for hurting Jacob by not leaving Neander. She was angry for not knowing what to do. Grace took both her hands, wrapped them around herself, as if she was giving herself a hug, then clawed deep into her left arm. She clawed harder, she wanted it to hurt. She wanted it to bleed. The pain felt good, it felt like she was getting just a small token of punishment for how she was messing up all the lives around her. Suddenly, Grace realized how bad she was hurting herself. She looked down and saw that she had dug her arm totally open. “Good!” She thought. You deserve to hurt. You deserve to see your flesh torn apart.

The days went by in a dream state. Jacob was still demanding to hang out as friends. So, Grace finally gave in. Jacob promised her he wouldn’t touch her. “I really don’t go anywhere though, just walking and grocery shopping.” Grace told Jacob. “Well, I need groceries.” Jacob came back with excuse. Grace and Jacob went grocery shopping together, everything was perfectly normal. Jacob honored his word and never put a finger on Grace. He acted just like a friend should. A couple days later he wanted to hang out again, so a grace offered him to go walking with her. “What if your husband sees my car near your house though?” Jacob commented. Grace wasn’t sure why it mattered. They were just hanging out as friends, but Jacob acted like it was not okay that he be seen? “We can walk down at that little park area.” Grace told him. Grace had been wanting to walk out there anyway. It was a beautiful area to go walking, it was nicely shaded, birds singing, and a little creek by an old beautiful log house. They walked and talked, enjoying the sunshine and friendship. Once Grace got home she was starting to feel uneasy about hanging out again. Everytime she was waiting on him to show up she was wishing she hadn’t said okay to hanging out with him. It was starting to be too sneaky. Everything was being done and if it was a big secret. Grace told Jacob, “I think Neader knows.” Grace thought, “this will scare Jacob a little and it should make him back down a little.” Jacob was not scared by it though. He continued his talking in messanger the same way he always did. He continued teasing Grace with messages that he was trying his best not to touch her, making it sound like he was fighting all his feelings back just to be able to spend some time with her. But his messages started changing again into a sexual dialogue. One night, Jacob went into graphic detail of what he would do to her sexually. His detail went on and on, taking her in the shower and from there, he got more perverted. Grace didn’t want to respond. She couldn’t say much, so she played it off as best she could, trying to avoid this conversation.

He teased her that he was going to try to kiss her the next time he saw her. Grace thought he was just putting her on. They had been hanging out and he hadn’t been touching her. Though he was beyond inappropriate online, he was not inappropriate in person. Grace just told him he would do no such thing and brushed it off as a joke. He was always trying to be funny, but this really wasn’t, in her own opinion.

Grace was feeling really trapped at home one night, she and the family were going to go for 4th of July celebration, but it rained all day and made her feel so anxious. She decided to go to the store, and told Jacob she thought she needed to go to out. Jacob asked if he should come, so she said sure. Grace was feeling too guilty about all this hanging out, she knew she had to stop feeling like she liked Jacob, so Grace decided she was going to meet one last time with Jacob and tell him it was the last time they could hang out. Grace quickly made supper for the family, and headed out to the store. She and Jacob met inside. Grace grabbed a shopping cart, gave a piece of gum to Jacob and herself and started down to the food aisle. Grace was slowly pushing the cart down the aisle when suddenly she was pushed from the side and shoved up against the shelves. Jacob had shoved her and started kissing her, hard. Grace kissed back, but felt comfused. She had thoughts come and go. She couldn’t believe he had done this. She was pinned there, not able to move, due to his strong body pressed tightly against hers. Grace felt her mind start to blank out. Next thing she knew he was off of her and she was able to move again. Grace grabbed the cart and started down the aisle, not really sure what to think, or how to process what just happened. She continued down another aisle then he did it again. She was pushed up against another shelf, pinned there, held tightly against shelves of food. He started kissing her all over again. Thoughts started going through her mind, he shouldn’t be doing this to her! She was married, he had no right! She wanted him to stop, but she felt embarrassed, she felt she hadn’t stopped him before, so how could she now? She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t stop him cause he had her trapped up against the shelves. “I’ll just go along with it and once I get out of here, I’m done!” She thought to herself. After he finally released her she began walking to the back of the store. Grace thought, I should just leave, but I am already here. Why leave before I finish shopping, surely he wont do this again.

Jacob kept wrapping his arms around Grace like before. Grace just ignored it, and acted like everything was normal. She had to shut her mind down to feel calm. So she ignored the fact that he was touching her, but then she felt a touch that she couldn’t ignore. Jacob placed his hands over her lower front part. Grace shot from numbing her mind to high alert. “What is he doing?!” She felt outraged. She pushed downward on his hands trying to get them off of her, but he wouldn’t let go. She felt half sick. He had already gone too far, and now this? She pushed more until he finally slowly removed his hands. Grace wanted to leave. She tried to gradually hurry up, but didn’t want to cause a scene. She wanted to appear as normal as possible. She made it known she was ready to go after a little more time went by, but

Part 3..The man that almost destroyed her.

Jacob wanted to look at one more thing while they were in the store. He walked over to an item on the shelf, Grace stupidly followed him over to see what he was looking at. Jacob, again, shoved her against the shelves and began kissing her all over again. Grace felt like an idiot. He was using her, and knew she was powerless to stop him. She didn’t have it in her to fight back. She didn’t like to be aggressive and he knew that about her. Grace knew she would have to do something, but what? he finally let go, so they walked to the front of the store. Grace was still messed up in the head from everything he had been saying and doing. She tried to make him see how hard this was on her. He wanted her to be with him, she thought she had been starting to fall for him, and tried to tell him to stop contacting her, she told him to give her some space, but he wouldn’t, and he somehow manipulated her into not making him stop when she asked him to. She knew she had to figure out what choice to make, but she didn’t want this while she was still married. She didn’t want to have an affair, he sure didn’t seem to mind though. He was now trying to get her to commit adultry. Her head was mixed up. “Do you have any idea how hard this is?” She asked him in a quiet voice before they left the store. He had been pressuring her so hard to leave her husband, and she kept telling him she wasn’t ready. so now he had forced her by forcing himself onto her after she had told him no. she didn’t want to see it that way. She told herself he loved her and was trying to save her from a life full of pain.

Grace and Jacob left the store and went to their cars. It just so happened that Grace had parked right behind Jacob. Jacob was standing by his car and asked Grace for a goodbye kiss. Grace was so fed up by this now. Couldn’t he tell that he had been doing things to her that she was not edging on at all, that she never ignited? Grace finally was able to give a good strong no, now that he was away from her and couldn’t pin her up against anything. She looked at him and said, “I think you’ve had enough!” Jacob couldn’t stand for being told no, so he quickly charged over to her, placed his one arm behind Grace, aggressively pulled her into him, and kissed her. Grace lost her breath from the impact of how hard the pull was. It felt like the effect of someone giving a slight punch in the gut. Grace got into her car and drove home. Once she was home she went out on the porch and sat there, with her knees curled up to her chest. She tried to make herself happy about what just happened at the store. She told herself she was lucky, and he really loved her. She tried to make herself feel the butterflies in the stomach sensation, instead of feeling sick, but they wouldn’t come. For every effort to feel happy, she felt more sick. There was no way to make herslef be okay with what had been going on. She didn’t want things like this, she wanted him to slow down and back off. They started talking in messanger again. Grace said to Jacob, “wow, I didn’t expect all that to happen. I was actually meeting up with you to tell you I couldn’t hang out anymore.” Jacob started talking and went into trying to bring even more sexual messages with everything that had just happened. “I touched your girl parts and you didn’t seem to mind. I believe I could very easily get you to sleep with me.”

Grace was ready to hit the roof. What part of her pushing him off of her did he not notice. He had her head spinning. “You are full of it! I had to push you off of me!” Grace typed into her messenger. Jacob went on talking and mentioned how Grace kissed with her mouth almost closed. Grace didn’t know what to say to this, so she just typed back, “that’s just how I kiss.” Grace thought, “well, that’s because I really wasn’t trying to kiss you.” He was the one that kept kissing her. He was the one that kept touching her. She never touched him, she just wanted to hang out for a while. All she wanted was to get out of the “mad house” and have some space from all of the normal every day bull that went on.

Grace remembered some moments at home. Jacob had been talking to her in messanger and was sweet, charming and making Grace feel really good about herslef. She felt needed. It shot a burst of life through her, so she thought, I can fix my marriage. Neander and I can have this life together that Jacob keeps talking about. Grace lay in bed, 12 am came, 1 am came, but Neander was still down stairs on his computer, no doubt talking to his friend. Grace walked down the steps to get Neanders attention, she couldn’t see very well because the light from the computer hurt her eyes from being in a dark room the last couple of hours. Grace walked over to the computer, leaned over like she was looking at it, but really was just trying to get Neanders attention. Neander looked up at her and yelled, “what?” Grace couldn’t remember what else he said, but he yelled some words, slammed the lap top shut, and acted like a kid having a temper tantrum. Grace felt heart broken. She could feel heat rising in her body. All she wanted was to find a way to reconnect. She felt herself being pulled away more than ever with how Jacob had been acting so caring and concerned toward her, and she needed to find something stable to hold before she slipped away completely and let her marriage die. Now she felt maybe there was no stability. Maybe this really was it and Jacob had been right. All the times he told her that Neander didn’t love her. All the times he told her God wanted her to be happy and come be with him instead. Grace looked at Neander, tears building up in her eyes. “What do you want?” What do you freakin’ want?” She wanted to say do you want a divorce, but those words wouldn’t come out, all she could say was what do you want? Neander looked at her and said, “what do you mean? Grace looked at him and just glared at him. She could feel she was going to flood with tears any moment, so she walked away, went up stairs and crawled into bed, crying herself to sleep.

Grace came back from her wandering thoughts. Jacob was pressuring her hard. He wanted her to leave Neander, and he wanted to be the step dad to her kids. He had no clue what he was trying to get into. She told him how hard it would be for him, trying to get him to think about what he was asking her to do and what he would be getting himself into. He didn’t care, he was ready for it. Grace couldn’t get him to back down. Grace could tell Neander knew something was up. He was starting to pay attention to her and seeing her on the phone all the time, but he never questioned it. Grace had to put a stop to this madness. She had to be upfront with what Jacob was wanting, what he was trying to do. She figured Neander would leave if given the chance. So, she finally decided to talk to him about it, but this time she couldn’t freeze up doing it like before. She wasn’t about to have an affair, she wasn’t goin to start sleeping with him and be married. She wasn’t going to hang out with Jacob anymore, unless her husband told her he didn’t love her. She knew she had to make it all stop because Jacob sure wasn’t going to stop pressuring her, demanding of her, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. She felt like she was really starting to care about him, so she knew something had to give. She was beyond done. Done with the meeting up, the hanging out, done with the improper ways he spoke to her that he wouldn’t stop, even when she tried to get him to stop. Grace and Neander went for a walk and Grace spilled out about how she felt about their relationship, but she never got around to talking about Jacob. Neander just let her talk. He listened as she went on about everything that had hurt her over the past ten years. She told him everything, like a river of emotions pouring out that should have been talked about years ago. Neander wouldn’t say he didn’t love her, all he did was state that he had been feeling the same way she had, that she didn’t love him. He didn’t want the marriage to end. Their family was more important, not being right or wrong in an argument, not being free to be single. Grace felt irritated. She decided not to push it anymore. If he wasn’t going to choose to leave, then maybe he did care, but she found it hard to believe. They got home from their walk, Grace walked in the front door and said, “fine, we will stay together for another ten years!” Grace went upstairs and messaged Jacob. “I hate to tell you this, you’re not going to be happy, but Neander and I have decided to stay together. We are going to work on our marriage. Jacob went nuts. His messages were rambling, he wouldn’t stop contacting Grace. She asked him to stop, but at first he wouldn’t. Jacob finally did stop talking for a little while, then came back later stating he started drinking again because of Grace. He got drunk and she had him all messed up. Jacob kept harassing Grace day after day, telling her she was making a mistake. Telling her that Neander didn’t really love her, that he was just using her as a person to clean up after him. For every moment that Grace tried to stand firm in her choice to make her marriage strong and to keep Jacob off of her, he faught her harder. It got to the point where Neander and Jacob were now talking on facebook and Jacob was always taking jabs at Neander. Grace couldn’t handle it anymore. Again, she had made a choice and Jacob wouldn’t listen. She truly loved Jacob, as a friend and cared deeply for him and never wanted to hurt him, but she couldn’t be the one to be his completion. Not unless Neander didn’t hold true to his word and be the husband he claimed he would work to be. Grace would only leave if Neander was unfaithful, abusive, or into drugs. Grace told Jacob this, but he wouldn’t listen. Jacob just kept blaming Grace for his depression, he scolded her that she was sleeping with her husband and that he himself wasn’t being cared for. Grace remained Jacob’s friend because she felt like she had destroyed him, that she took every bit of happiness and hope he had away. They still talked, but Grace felt empty, she had to keep fighting off his negativity. Jacob started Messaging things to Grace saying that she know longer knew him, that he had changed a lot and she knew nothing about him. He would still come to her, complaining about everything he could, but when she would speak her thought about it he would respond by saying, “you no longer have an impact on me anymore.” or “your advice means nothing to me.” Grace had enough. She was tired of feeling bullied by Jacob just because he didn’t get his way.

One morning Grace woke up and realized something was different, she had been feeling sick and loss of appetite. Something was off. They went to church that morning, but Grace didn’t hear a word the preacher said. All she could do was keep thinking about how she felt, and calculate dates to confirm if she could be pregnant. After church, Grace went out and bought a pregnancy test and found she was indeed pregnant. She was excited for this, she had been thinking over the last couple of months about trying for another baby. She and Neander were getting along better than they ever had and she felt like it would be a great way to signify a brand new beginning. They were excited and their girls were excited as well. Grace’s emotions were all over the place, especially now being pregnant. Jacob was still contacting her, with his same sly, rude comments. Grace found herself getting angry with Jacob, just by him contacting her. Sometimes he would be nice, and talk to her as old friends, other times he would say things that she felt were aimed just to hurt her. There were times though that Grace would notice an anger at him for no reason what so ever. At first Grace thought maybe it was her minds way of dealing with not going through with being with him. She thought it could be the only way her body knew how to cope with her giving her last final word of no. After all, he had been trying to be with her for about a month, so maybe her mind was fighting that small relationship he had started trying to build with her. Grace went through so many emotions. One minute she would miss talking to him if, in the rare occasion, he didn’t contact her for a day or two, then she would be grateful he left her alone for a change. She really couldn’t understand her own thought process. Grace did finally have enough of the constant contact, she had told Jacob to limit messaging to only one day a week so it wouldn’t get out of hand again and they could remain friends. She really did adore friendship with him and never wanted him hurt in any way. He begged to remain friends with her. He said He prayed and prayed to God to just give her back as a friend and he would be happy, after she had blocked him a second time when she and her husband were working things out. Grace did stay friends with him after that. She couldn’t betray him like all the other girls had betrayed him, at least that was what he told her, but Jacob was back at messaging almost as bad as before. He wouldn’t leave her alone, even when she would ignore his messages.

She still remembered and was bothered by the one time created a fake account to harass her with when she had blocked him, just to put her down and make her feel guilty for her choice to not speak to him while she was working on her marriage. Grace’s hormones were raging, and it didn’t take much to upset her. She lit in to him with a response to his demand of, “pay attention to me!” She typed, “omg! Do you have no life outside of facebook? He claimed he did, but was multitasking. She said said, “no, i don’t think you do.” “I am busy and don’t have time to keep looking as silly pictures.” Grace responded in haste, she knew. Grace didn’t know it at the time, but one of the pictures he had sent was honestly a nice message. It was of an old car at a museum his friend had seen. When Grace scolded him, she was referring to some goofy memes he had been sending her multiple times a day.She didn’t see the pic of the car come through until later, but by the time she saw it, they were not talking at the moment, so, she said nothing to him about it. Jacob got mad at her and told her he couldn’t talk, he was busy. She responded, “good.” After that he bit back, “maybe we will talk in the future, but much later.” Grace didn’t respond. She deleted everything between them and thought maybe now she could move on with her life. She felt bad that she seemed a little harsh, but she was trying to get the point across that he needed to stop contacting her all the time. Grace moved on in life, even unfollowed Jacob because she thought maybe he was making some posts about her, just to get under her skin. Grace went through times where she missed their talks, but just as friends. She never liked nor missed his sexual messaging. She in fact hated it everytime he did it. He was trying to make it into an affair, and that was far from what it was in her mind. To her, she was trying to be good friends with him and just wanted to get to know him as a person. Once they were no longer talking he started posting stuff about Grace on his facebook wall, but he did it indirectly. He stated that he had a friend who had an affair, but wouldn’t leave her husband because God said marriage was for life. The post went on and Grace started seeing Jacob for what he really was. He made multiple posts degrading her, shaming her, and acting like he was some good guy that became a victim of her being mean to him. He spun lies about her out of thin air. Grace was finally moving past all the horror, moving forward in life, brought a beautiful baby boy into the world. They named him Hann, meaning “Gift from God.” Shortly after his birth Grace started thinking about Jacob, thinking of how he turned out to be such a monster. It suddenly came to Grace all at once, he was not only a monster for being mean to her. He was sick! All the things he did to her, the things he said to her. He was a man that tried to destroy her family, tried to take as much as he could get by with, before Grace grew strong and wise enough to make him stop. Grace’s eyes were open to all that had happened and the tears came flowing down her cheeks. He had been assaulting her, he had been manipulating her. A couple months later, when confronted, he threatened her with a lawsuit for slander, just to shut her up. He claimed he had messages to prove she was okay with everything. Grace never did know what messages he had that were so threatening, or what he took out of context to make it look as though she was okay with what he did. She didn’t need to know what he had. All she needed was the realization of what he really was. All she needed was to grow strong from all of this. It would be a long road of recovery from the trauma, the nightmares would feel real as they woke her from sleep with it happening all over again. She would have to fight through alot of anger, depression, and rage, but she could and would. Grace was not the little timid stay quiet person anymore. She had changed, her whole life had changed. She now looked at herself and saw a warrior rising up. She saw someone that could help others through their trauma, and she did. She saw a woman that was faced with the option of giving up and giving in, but instead she rose and became strong, and said no to making a mistake of trusting someone else choices and stuck with her own. She had her family beside her, she had her husband, who now protected her, the man who truly had become the meaning of his name, Neander (a changed man) he had changed just as much as she had. Yes she would have to fight the feelings of wanting revenge, she would have to fight the memories as they popped in her head from no where, she would have to stand strong against thoughts running through her head of what Jacob, the deciever, deserved. But she could stand strong, she didn’t have to fight this battle, she didn’t have to dictate what he deserved for all the things he had done to her and probably others. All she had to do was give it to God. He was there, He saw her heart and knew every thought in her mind when everything was happening in her life, when she didn’t know how to act on her thoughts. God knew Grace. God showed his grace to Grace, and she knew without a doubt, she would get through this stronger than ever and would be a witness of just how God can use anything that satan tried and make a miracle out of it. She now had scars and they hurt, but Grace knew, those scars forever showed Gods miracle in her life.