Mary was lying in bed, crying bitter tears. Her sobs were uncontrollable, her heart felt as though it would be easier to just stop beating. Her husband, John, walked into the room and sat down beside her. He brushed his hand over her head, trying to console her, but Mary didn’t want him. Mary just wanted to be left alone. “Mary, I know your heart is breaking. I feel broken too. I miss what could have been, I miss the little girl that we should have with us right now, but we will try again. Just give it some time and let your heart mend.” Mary looked at John, her eyes swollen so badly that they almost couldn’t even open. “You couldn’t possibly understand! You didn’t make the choice, I did! It’s my fault she is dead! It’s my fault that she doesn’t get to grow up and see what life has to offer. If I hadn’t been selfish, and put my life first, maybe we both would be here now, I would have my baby in my arms, loving every minute of being a mother.” John spoke again, as his voice cracked from trying to refrain from crying. “I know I didn’t make the choice, but you could have died, and the baby may not have made it anyway, I could have lost you both and I.” “Just stop!” Mary yelled at him, cutting off any last words he may have had. John left the room, holding back what felt like could have been a million tears, but he had to be manly enough to not cry, in his own mind.
The next day Mary got out of bed, slipped into her robe and went into the kitchen. There was a pleasant breeze the last couple of days, so she had the windows open to let fresh air into the house. She walked over to the kitchen sink and heard the neighbors outside, laughing and playing with their little boy. “Mathew! Don’t take the sand out of the sand box, leave it or we are going inside. Good boy, that’s a good listener.” the woman next door said.” Mary felt bitter inside. This woman had five kids. All healthy, never any complications. Why couldn’t she have at least one? The doctor said she could try again, but there could be another high risk with any future children. She walked over to the table, holding a glass of water and some pills
The doctor said the pills would help her nerves. She felt she didn’t deserve to have help, she felt she was no more than a murderer. John came down stairs, sliding his hand on the railing down all the way, at the bottom of the steps the round piece on top of the post fell off in his hand. “Well, I guess that needs fixed now, this place is in such shambles.” Mary, sit down and I’ll make you some breakfast. How about an omlet?” Mary sat down, plopped her elbows on the table, with her chin resting in her hands. “I’m really not hungry, but go ahead.” John looked at the business cards sitting on the counter top, they were for counseling for parents who struggled with the loss of a child. “I really think we should make an appointment. I think it would help. You have been like this for months and it’s very unhealthy.” John Said with concern. Mary looked up and just glared at him. No words needed to be spoken, her looks always said it all. John continued to make breakfast and started a pot of coffee. “How about we go for a drive today? It’s a beautiful day for it, maybe we could even take a walk on one of those nature trails we like.” Mary just wanted to crawl back in bed, but she said okay instead and decided to take John up on his offer. They both ate their omelets and proceeded to go upstairs and get dressed.
Mary and John drove up to a beautiful area for hiking trails and spend most of the day walking. John took her hand, looked into her eyes and told her, you are an amazing woman. I know you are hurting, but trust me, you deserve to be happy.” Mary gave somewhat of a smile, but then tears welled up in her eyes and her lip began to slightly quiver. She put her head down, studied the ground where she walked and kicked at little stones as they moved forward with every footstep. They met another couple on the trail and stopped to speak, they all took a rest and started speaking of how the sky was so brightly blue today. The lady looked pregnant, but Mary didn’t want to seem like she was annoyed by it, she tried to not focus on the woman’s medium round belly. John said suddenly, “sorry, we didn’t introduce ourselves. I’m john, this is my wife, Mary. The other couple spoke, “I’m Jane, and I’m George. Jane looked down at her belly and said, and this is Jacob. Mary felt the hurt, guilt, anger, and tears building up again, but pushed it all down inside and smiled. “When are you due?” Mary asked in a slightly shaking voice. I’m due in a month and a half.” Jane said with a smile. George started feeling like he had seen Mary and John before. “I know where I have seen you.” George said with a sudden revelation in his voice. You live in the same apartment complex as us. John looked at him with a question on his face, trying to remember ever seeing this guy. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I have seen you before, but since we are neighbors, we really should start getting together.” Everyone hit it off and felt like sudden best friends and made a date to get together. Mary and John went home after a couple hours more of walking. Mary did feel refreshed, but was starting to feel numb. She didn’t hurt, she didn’t really notice guilt. She felt like, nothing, like there was no emotions left in her body. Mary fixed supper, sat the table and began to bring the food over from the stove. Suddenly, an image flashed through her mind, a little girl sitting at the table, smiling at her asking if she could start eating now. Mary shook her head, blinked her eyes and looked again. There was no one there.
After supper was over and she cleaned up the dishes she went to bed. John asked her to stay up a bit longer with him, but she told him she was exhausted and had to lie down. Mary was sound asleep for a couple of hours, but awoke suddenly, hearing the cries of a baby. The crying got louder with every second. Mary jumped out of bed panicking. How was she hearing this? The cries turned into screams, the screams turned into what sounded like the screams of pain. She ran to the room that would have been her baby’s bedroom. She leaned into the crib and saw nothing, but heard the screams. Mary felt crazy. She couldn’t make it stop. “What have I done? She cried, what did I do to my baby?” “Where are you?” Mary yelled. I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” She continued screaming at the top of her lungs. John burst into the room, grabbed mary and shook her. “Wake up, mary! “It’s just a dream.” Mary opened her eyes, tears streaming down her face. John pulled her in close to him and held her as tightly as he could. Mary just sobbed. She couldn’t control it. She felt as if her own heart was ready to explode. “I heard her crying! She was screaming in pain, I heard her John, but I couldn’t find her to help her. What have I done? I’m a monster!” Mary continued sobbing. John took Mary out of the room and back to their bedroom. He put Mary back to bed and rubbed her back until she finally fell back to sleep. The next day they had plans for their new friends to come visit, so Mary got up and began cleaning the house, straightening up, dusting, and washed down the bathroom. Mary had supper cooking when John walked in from work. “They’ll be here soon, I have everything just about ready, but could you put the salad out, please, John?” John went to the fridge, took out the salad and began mixing all the stuff together. “That’s perfect, john, thanks. Just set it on the table and we are all set for tonight”
Jane and George knocked on the door and Mary came to opened it. “Welcome.” mary said with a smile. Jane handed mary a desert and walked in, greeting mary with a hug. “Thanks for inviting us.” Jane said with a smile. John and George shook hands and started chatting about their work day. Supper went well, they all found they had a lot in common. The guys talked sports, the women talked about girlie movies and the next episodes coming out on the newest t.v. show. Supper was a hit, everything turned out delicious. It was the blossoming beauty of a beautiful new friendship. After supper was over, they sat for about two hours talking, laughing, and just getting to know each other. Mary and Jane got up and started clearing the table. John and George went into the sitting room and watched the game. As the night went on and got late, they all decided to call it a night. the guests returned home, only walking down a couple of apartments to return home. About an hour after they left the phone rang. It was Jane. “How about lunch tomorrow?” “That’s sounds great.” Mary was quick to answer. Mary felt good. The hurt was still there, but now she felt like she was finally able to stop dwelling in her pain and guilt. She went upstairs, went to bed and drifted off to sleep. Mary had a dream of a child again, but this time the child walked into her room. She tiptoed in, “mommy, mommy, I’m scared. Mommy I had a bad dream, but your here now. Hold me mommy. Please hold me. Mommy why wont you hold me? Mommy! Mommy!” Mary woke up, sat up in bed and quickly turned on her lamp light. The room was still, nothing but shadows from the light casting across the items and the furniture in the room. John was fast asleep, lightly snoring. Mary didn’t want to wake him, so she shut the light back off and lied back down. In the morning the sun peaked through the sides of the window blinds. John had already gone to work, so Mary got up, fixed herself something to eat and poured herself a cup of coffee. She called Jane and asked her if she wanted to meet a little earlier than planned. Jane was all for it, so they met at eleven instead of twelve. Mary had to talk to someone about her dreams, she needed to speak about her past. She couldn’t stand it anymore. She felt like she was being haunted by her child that she aborted, but that couldn’t be possible. It was crazy to even think that way. Mary told Jane everything. How she had to have an abortion. Well, how she chose her own life over her child. How she keeps having all these dreams. She told Jane she almost can’t stand to even awake in the morning, but can’t stay asleep cause the child haunts her. Jane asked Mary if she had thought of seeing a therapist, but Mary was very quick to decline that possibility. “I don’t want to sound crazy. They make you seem crazy. I feel like all they are really doing is charging you for them to write down how nuts you are and to see if they think they should have you committed.”
Mary and Jane finished their lunch date and both parted ways going back home. Mary was tired from not sleeping well again and decided to take a little nap on the sofa. As she slipped into sleep she heard whimpering. The whimper became louder until she sat up. She walked into the kitchen and there on the table she saw a silver tray sitting. She walked over to it and saw a burned body. It looked like a mixture of burned tissue and body parts. It had a burned face, burned arms, legs, and stomach. The little body was partially shriveled up. Mary cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle a scream. She had been looking things up about abortion and how it was done after she had hers. It was horrible and she was torturing her own mind when she read it, but she felt like maybe she deserved the torture, considering what she had done. Mary almost gagged looking at the burned up body. It was like looking at a mixture of skin and charcoal. She leaned in closer, half feeling as if she would throw up, then the burned eye lids opened up, looked right at her and said mama. Mary screamed, jumped back and tripped over a chair in the kitchen. She stumbled back to her feet and tried to run, but couldn’t find the front door. She screamed and started pounding on the walls, yelling for help. Just as she felt she was about to faint she sat straight up on the sofa. She had been having another nightmare. The phone was ringing, so she picked it up, it was Jane. She was crying and freaking out. She asked Mary to take her to the hospital. Jane had started bleeding and it wouldn’t stop. Mary took jane to the hospital and felt like she was in the waiting room for hours. George came running into the waiting room, and mary filled him in on what little she knew. George went in with his wife and brought Mary with him. Jane’s face was red, eyes swollen, and in her arms, wrapped up was a very small baby boy. Jane spoke, her voice quivering, it’s our little Jacob. Jane broke into more tears as geoege walked over to his wife’s side, tears running down his own face. Mary began to cry as she looked over the lifeless body of a little boy that lived only 3 hours with breath in his body. Jane explained to Mary that the doctor had told her early on that it was a high risk pregnancy, that the baby wouldn’t be compatible outside the womb, and she herself was in danger giving birth. Mary’s heart ached. She knew this was the same thing she had went through, but she was not brave enough to carry out the pregnancy, she had feared for her own life. Mary started to cry again. Jane, now knowing of Mary’s pregnancy from their conversation earlier, spoke to mary. “Don’t let this be the source of your existence. We all have made choices. Some were right, some were wrong. We can’t live in life beating ourselves up when we feel we might have made a mistake. Forgiveness is always just a request away. God forgives, and our children forgive.” Mary nodded her head, heartbroken, tears still streaming down her face, “but what if my baby would have lived and I killed it? How can I be forgiven? How can I face this every day?” Jane looked back at Mary, tears running down her own face. “you can and will go on, just like I did after my last high risk pregnancy where I aborted my little Erica. You will forgive yourself, God will forgive you, and your baby is waiting for you, full of forgiveness. It takes time, but your heart will mend.” Mary sat down beside Jane on the bed and placed her head next to Jane’s. They both fell asleep and had dreams. Their dreams were not fearful and painful anymore. They were peaceful, beautiful, and loving. Jane and Mary were in a beautiful field of wild floweres, sun shining brightly. Three children came running up them, smiling with the biggest smiles they could have. Erica ran to Jane, wrapped her arms around her neck and embraced her with a big hug and kiss. Jacob and sarah ran, hand in hand to their moms, breaking from each other with tight endless long hugs. Jane and mary cried happy tears as they held their kids, for the first time, as if they had life. Then the same man that was with sarah,erica and Jacob in their mother’s wombs came walking toward them all. He was glowing, peaceful, and looked like He had nothing but love in His eyes. He looked at Jane then at Mary, grabbed them both and embraced them with a hug. He wiped their tears away, spoke gently to them and said “forgiven.”
Jane and Mary lay there, side by side, on the bed with smiles on their faces and peace in their hearts as they continued to dream and found over flowing mercy and grace in the eyes of the Lord.