Then She Found Grace (Sequel to “The life she never had”)

Mary was lying in bed, crying bitter tears. Her sobs were uncontrollable, her heart felt as though it would be easier to just stop beating. Her husband, John, walked into the room and sat down beside her. He brushed his hand over her head, trying to console her, but Mary didn’t want him. Mary just wanted to be left alone. “Mary, I know your heart is breaking. I feel broken too. I miss what could have been, I miss the little girl that we should have with us right now, but we will try again. Just give it some time and let your heart mend.” Mary looked at John, her eyes swollen so badly that they almost couldn’t even open. “You couldn’t possibly understand! You didn’t make the choice, I did! It’s my fault she is dead! It’s my fault that she doesn’t get to grow up and see what life has to offer. If I hadn’t been selfish, and put my life first, maybe we both would be here now, I would have my baby in my arms, loving every minute of being a mother.” John spoke again, as his voice cracked from trying to refrain from crying. “I know I didn’t make the choice, but you could have died, and the baby may not have made it anyway, I could have lost you both and I.” “Just stop!” Mary yelled at him, cutting off any last words he may have had. John left the room, holding back what felt like could have been a million tears, but he had to be manly enough to not cry, in his own mind.

The next day Mary got out of bed, slipped into her robe and went into the kitchen. There was a pleasant breeze the last couple of days, so she had the windows open to let fresh air into the house. She walked over to the kitchen sink and heard the neighbors outside, laughing and playing with their little boy. “Mathew! Don’t take the sand out of the sand box, leave it or we are going inside. Good boy, that’s a good listener.” the woman next door said.” Mary felt bitter inside. This woman had five kids. All healthy, never any complications. Why couldn’t she have at least one? The doctor said she could try again, but there could be another high risk with any future children. She walked over to the table, holding a glass of water and some pills

The doctor said the pills would help her nerves. She felt she didn’t deserve to have help, she felt she was no more than a murderer. John came down stairs, sliding his hand on the railing down all the way, at the bottom of the steps the round piece on top of the post fell off in his hand. “Well, I guess that needs fixed now, this place is in such shambles.” Mary, sit down and I’ll make you some breakfast. How about an omlet?” Mary sat down, plopped her elbows on the table, with her chin resting in her hands. “I’m really not hungry, but go ahead.” John looked at the business cards sitting on the counter top, they were for counseling for parents who struggled with the loss of a child. “I really think we should make an appointment. I think it would help. You have been like this for months and it’s very unhealthy.” John Said with concern. Mary looked up and just glared at him. No words needed to be spoken, her looks always said it all. John continued to make breakfast and started a pot of coffee. “How about we go for a drive today? It’s a beautiful day for it, maybe we could even take a walk on one of those nature trails we like.” Mary just wanted to crawl back in bed, but she said okay instead and decided to take John up on his offer. They both ate their omelets and proceeded to go upstairs and get dressed.

Mary and John drove up to a beautiful area for hiking trails and spend most of the day walking. John took her hand, looked into her eyes and told her, you are an amazing woman. I know you are hurting, but trust me, you deserve to be happy.” Mary gave somewhat of a smile, but then tears welled up in her eyes and her lip began to slightly quiver. She put her head down, studied the ground where she walked and kicked at little stones as they moved forward with every footstep. They met another couple on the trail and stopped to speak, they all took a rest and started speaking of how the sky was so brightly blue today. The lady looked pregnant, but Mary didn’t want to seem like she was annoyed by it, she tried to not focus on the woman’s medium round belly. John said suddenly, “sorry, we didn’t introduce ourselves. I’m john, this is my wife, Mary. The other couple spoke, “I’m Jane, and I’m George. Jane looked down at her belly and said, and this is Jacob. Mary felt the hurt, guilt, anger, and tears building up again, but pushed it all down inside and smiled. “When are you due?” Mary asked in a slightly shaking voice. I’m due in a month and a half.” Jane said with a smile. George started feeling like he had seen Mary and John before. “I know where I have seen you.” George said with a sudden revelation in his voice. You live in the same apartment complex as us. John looked at him with a question on his face, trying to remember ever seeing this guy. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I have seen you before, but since we are neighbors, we really should start getting together.” Everyone hit it off and felt like sudden best friends and made a date to get together. Mary and John went home after a couple hours more of walking. Mary did feel refreshed, but was starting to feel numb. She didn’t hurt, she didn’t really notice guilt. She felt like, nothing, like there was no emotions left in her body. Mary fixed supper, sat the table and began to bring the food over from the stove. Suddenly, an image flashed through her mind, a little girl sitting at the table, smiling at her asking if she could start eating now. Mary shook her head, blinked her eyes and looked again. There was no one there.

After supper was over and she cleaned up the dishes she went to bed. John asked her to stay up a bit longer with him, but she told him she was exhausted and had to lie down. Mary was sound asleep for a couple of hours, but awoke suddenly, hearing the cries of a baby. The crying got louder with every second. Mary jumped out of bed panicking. How was she hearing this? The cries turned into screams, the screams turned into what sounded like the screams of pain. She ran to the room that would have been her baby’s bedroom. She leaned into the crib and saw nothing, but heard the screams. Mary felt crazy. She couldn’t make it stop. “What have I done? She cried, what did I do to my baby?” “Where are you?” Mary yelled. I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” She continued screaming at the top of her lungs. John burst into the room, grabbed mary and shook her. “Wake up, mary! “It’s just a dream.” Mary opened her eyes, tears streaming down her face. John pulled her in close to him and held her as tightly as he could. Mary just sobbed. She couldn’t control it. She felt as if her own heart was ready to explode. “I heard her crying! She was screaming in pain, I heard her John, but I couldn’t find her to help her. What have I done? I’m a monster!” Mary continued sobbing. John took Mary out of the room and back to their bedroom. He put Mary back to bed and rubbed her back until she finally fell back to sleep. The next day they had plans for their new friends to come visit, so Mary got up and began cleaning the house, straightening up, dusting, and washed down the bathroom. Mary had supper cooking when John walked in from work. “They’ll be here soon, I have everything just about ready, but could you put the salad out, please, John?” John went to the fridge, took out the salad and began mixing all the stuff together. “That’s perfect, john, thanks. Just set it on the table and we are all set for tonight”

Jane and George knocked on the door and Mary came to opened it. “Welcome.” mary said with a smile. Jane handed mary a desert and walked in, greeting mary with a hug. “Thanks for inviting us.” Jane said with a smile. John and George shook hands and started chatting about their work day. Supper went well, they all found they had a lot in common. The guys talked sports, the women talked about girlie movies and the next episodes coming out on the newest t.v. show. Supper was a hit, everything turned out delicious. It was the blossoming beauty of a beautiful new friendship. After supper was over, they sat for about two hours talking, laughing, and just getting to know each other. Mary and Jane got up and started clearing the table. John and George went into the sitting room and watched the game. As the night went on and got late, they all decided to call it a night. the guests returned home, only walking down a couple of apartments to return home. About an hour after they left the phone rang. It was Jane. “How about lunch tomorrow?” “That’s sounds great.” Mary was quick to answer. Mary felt good. The hurt was still there, but now she felt like she was finally able to stop dwelling in her pain and guilt. She went upstairs, went to bed and drifted off to sleep. Mary had a dream of a child again, but this time the child walked into her room. She tiptoed in, “mommy, mommy, I’m scared. Mommy I had a bad dream, but your here now. Hold me mommy. Please hold me. Mommy why wont you hold me? Mommy! Mommy!” Mary woke up, sat up in bed and quickly turned on her lamp light. The room was still, nothing but shadows from the light casting across the items and the furniture in the room. John was fast asleep, lightly snoring. Mary didn’t want to wake him, so she shut the light back off and lied back down. In the morning the sun peaked through the sides of the window blinds. John had already gone to work, so Mary got up, fixed herself something to eat and poured herself a cup of coffee. She called Jane and asked her if she wanted to meet a little earlier than planned. Jane was all for it, so they met at eleven instead of twelve. Mary had to talk to someone about her dreams, she needed to speak about her past. She couldn’t stand it anymore. She felt like she was being haunted by her child that she aborted, but that couldn’t be possible. It was crazy to even think that way. Mary told Jane everything. How she had to have an abortion. Well, how she chose her own life over her child. How she keeps having all these dreams. She told Jane she almost can’t stand to even awake in the morning, but can’t stay asleep cause the child haunts her. Jane asked Mary if she had thought of seeing a therapist, but Mary was very quick to decline that possibility. “I don’t want to sound crazy. They make you seem crazy. I feel like all they are really doing is charging you for them to write down how nuts you are and to see if they think they should have you committed.”

Mary and Jane finished their lunch date and both parted ways going back home. Mary was tired from not sleeping well again and decided to take a little nap on the sofa. As she slipped into sleep she heard whimpering. The whimper became louder until she sat up. She walked into the kitchen and there on the table she saw a silver tray sitting. She walked over to it and saw a burned body. It looked like a mixture of burned tissue and body parts. It had a burned face, burned arms, legs, and stomach. The little body was partially shriveled up. Mary cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle a scream. She had been looking things up about abortion and how it was done after she had hers. It was horrible and she was torturing her own mind when she read it, but she felt like maybe she deserved the torture, considering what she had done. Mary almost gagged looking at the burned up body. It was like looking at a mixture of skin and charcoal. She leaned in closer, half feeling as if she would throw up, then the burned eye lids opened up, looked right at her and said mama. Mary screamed, jumped back and tripped over a chair in the kitchen. She stumbled back to her feet and tried to run, but couldn’t find the front door. She screamed and started pounding on the walls, yelling for help. Just as she felt she was about to faint she sat straight up on the sofa. She had been having another nightmare. The phone was ringing, so she picked it up, it was Jane. She was crying and freaking out. She asked Mary to take her to the hospital. Jane had started bleeding and it wouldn’t stop. Mary took jane to the hospital and felt like she was in the waiting room for hours. George came running into the waiting room, and mary filled him in on what little she knew. George went in with his wife and brought Mary with him. Jane’s face was red, eyes swollen, and in her arms, wrapped up was a very small baby boy. Jane spoke, her voice quivering, it’s our little Jacob. Jane broke into more tears as geoege walked over to his wife’s side, tears running down his own face. Mary began to cry as she looked over the lifeless body of a little boy that lived only 3 hours with breath in his body. Jane explained to Mary that the doctor had told her early on that it was a high risk pregnancy, that the baby wouldn’t be compatible outside the womb, and she herself was in danger giving birth. Mary’s heart ached. She knew this was the same thing she had went through, but she was not brave enough to carry out the pregnancy, she had feared for her own life. Mary started to cry again. Jane, now knowing of Mary’s pregnancy from their conversation earlier, spoke to mary. “Don’t let this be the source of your existence. We all have made choices. Some were right, some were wrong. We can’t live in life beating ourselves up when we feel we might have made a mistake. Forgiveness is always just a request away. God forgives, and our children forgive.” Mary nodded her head, heartbroken, tears still streaming down her face, “but what if my baby would have lived and I killed it? How can I be forgiven? How can I face this every day?” Jane looked back at Mary, tears running down her own face. “you can and will go on, just like I did after my last high risk pregnancy where I aborted my little Erica. You will forgive yourself, God will forgive you, and your baby is waiting for you, full of forgiveness. It takes time, but your heart will mend.” Mary sat down beside Jane on the bed and placed her head next to Jane’s. They both fell asleep and had dreams. Their dreams were not fearful and painful anymore. They were peaceful, beautiful, and loving. Jane and Mary were in a beautiful field of wild floweres, sun shining brightly. Three children came running up them, smiling with the biggest smiles they could have. Erica ran to Jane, wrapped her arms around her neck and embraced her with a big hug and kiss. Jacob and sarah ran, hand in hand to their moms, breaking from each other with tight endless long hugs. Jane and mary cried happy tears as they held their kids, for the first time, as if they had life. Then the same man that was with sarah,erica and Jacob in their mother’s wombs came walking toward them all. He was glowing, peaceful, and looked like He had nothing but love in His eyes. He looked at Jane then at Mary, grabbed them both and embraced them with a hug. He wiped their tears away, spoke gently to them and said “forgiven.”

Jane and Mary lay there, side by side, on the bed with smiles on their faces and peace in their hearts as they continued to dream and found over flowing mercy and grace in the eyes of the Lord.

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The LIFE She Never Had. (A short story)

It was a cold, brisk day. The leaves were floating through the air, gradually sifting down, in a round about pattern, one after the other. Sarah, sitting by the window put down her steaming hot coffee after her third sip. I really should get going, she thought to herself. Today was a very busy day, she had a lunch date with her best friend, Mary, grocery shopping to do, a trip needed to be made to the bank, and she really needed to get to the post office to mail the care packages to the families that had been struck by the hurricane. She yawned, drank a few more sips of her coffee and proceeded to get up and go to her small walk in closet. Sarah had beautiful red hair, but this made dressing in some colors out of the question. She detested the way many colors seemed to clash because of her hair color, so she made due with many browns. She slipped into her some what formal brown pants that had a medium flare at the bottom and a white button down shirt that had a little bit of lace at the collar. As she walked to the door she poured some dog food for her pup, pet him on the head and said in a motherly voice, “mommy will be home soon, my little pumpkin.” Although there was a chill in the air, the sun was still shining brightly. Sarah loved the sunshine, as do most other people, but to her it was a glorious thing to be here, enjoying it and she felt other people sometimes took for granted that it was given to us for enjoyment. She unlocked her car and plopped down into the driver’s seat, started the engine and drove to the bank.

“Good morning, sarah. How are you are doing on this beautiful day? Asked the bank teller. “I’m doing well, thank you. How is your day going?” Sarah responded with a flashy smile. Sarah didn’t want to rush the conversation, but she knew she had a busy day and really needed to keep moving. She cut their talk a little short and finished with the rest of her to do list before stopping at the 24 hour diner to meet up with Mary.

Sarah arrived at Twin City Diner with ten minutes to spare. The hostess seated her and she ordered a cup of coffee while she waited for Mary to arrive. The little bell on the front diner door chimed as it was opened, in walked Mary, with a warm smile and greetings to Sarah with a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. It has been way to long since our last visit, Mary said. Sarah blushed an embarrassed look, “I know, I’m sorry, I have just been so busy, but I’m hoping to slow down a little.” Sarah had a bond with Mary that went back for as long as she could remember, so far back that she really couldn’t even say when or how they met. It was a rare bond, she really almost felt like Mary was not only her best friend, but like a mother to her, even though they were not far apart in age. “So, tell me about the new guy.” Mary said with a sly smile on her face with a little hint of teasing in her tone of voice. Another blush filled Sarah’s face, but this time the blush felt like it was about ten shades more red than before. “Well, he is about as sweet as any human can get. His eyes are a deep blue, and his hair is dark, not black, but dark enough to look good in any kind of suit, or even a uniform.” “Uniform?” Questioned Mary. “Yes, he is in the army, and you should see him, wait I think I have a picture with me.” Sarah pulled out a wallet with a picture from her purse and showed Mary. On the back of the picture was written, with all my love, and with every thought of our future together, until the day we say, I do. Mary thought it was a little soon. “Did he propose? ” Yes, mary, he did. I said yes, that’s why I knew we had to get together. I wanted you to be the first to hear and to ask you to be my maid of honor.” “Of course I will! But, are you sure it’s not too soon? You guys haven’t been together that long, have you?” Sarah smiled and gave a nervous laugh. “We haven’t been together long, but we have known each other for a long time. I know you probably thought nothing of it when I told you his name months ago. Jacob was the boy I grew up with when I lived with my parents in the old broken down apartments. His family was really poor, just like mine.” Mary smiled and nodded then went on to say, “well, I’m really happy for you, and very glad you are not just jumping into marriage with someone you really don’t know.” The two of them talked and laughed for the next couple of hours, catching up on old times, updating new news, and finally fishished up with a tight hug and short kiss on the cheek good bye.

As Sarah was driving back to her house she felt a pain in her chest. What was that? She wondered. It was tight, and felt like she could pass out from the pain. I can’t be having a heart attack, she said to herself. I’m too young for that. She pulled the car over for a few minutes, got out and started walking around a little bit, taking deep breaths. The pain slowly went away and eventually stopped all together. She got back into her car and proceeded to drive home again, her mind was going over what to fix for tonight’s supper. yes, she said aloud, pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans sound pretty good. I should whip up some biscuits to go with it. Sarah slowed down, turning into her driveway and waited for the garage door to open, then continued to pull in. as she walked in through the side door that went straight into the kitchen a wonderful aroma hit her senses. Oh my! What was the smell. Jacob had already let himself in with the hidden key and started making them supper. He had the table set for two, a bottle of wine chilling on the table and soft romantic music playing in the background. Sarah felt a wave of relief. She had been tired, all though she had the day off from work and had only done the grocery shopping and banking. Jacob walked up to sarah, wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly, and placed a small kiss on her forehead. “You are early, I was hoping to have everything set on the table to suprise you tonight.” Sarah gave him a kiss back and said, “like I’m not suprised by this?” They both laughed and and sat down to the table, having a glass of wine.

The night progressed on, after they ate, they watched a movie, snuggled up by the fire place, on the couch, eventually falling asleep in each others arms. Sarah’s dreams were alarming. They started happening over the last couple of weeks. She was in a bed, strapped down, very tightly, as if she was being treated like she was a mental patient. She screamed, but no one heard her, she yelled for someone to help her, that these men were trying to hurt her, but there was no one there to help. The men in white just kept pushing her down a long, never ending hallway. They slammed through doors, rolling faster with every second. She would scream and scream, but no help ever came. Sarah’s dreams were so intense she woke herself up from how loud she was. She awoke on the floor, flat on her back. What was this? She must have hit her arm on the coffee table when she fell, cause it was aching very badly. She brushed the tears from her eyes and wiped sweat from her forehead. Jacob had already gone home, there was a note on the table, wishing her a wonderful day at work in the morning and was signed xoxo Jacob.

Sarah went to her bedroom, after taking a sleeping pill, her nerves were always shot after these kind of dreams.

Morning was here, sarah was getting ready for work. She pulled on a pair of blue Jean’s and a light brown shirt. How she loved casual fridays at work. She looked forward to that more than her paycheck. Sarah looked at her watch and saw she was going to be late if she didn’t get going right away, so she rushed to the car, put up the garage door and quickly, but carefully, backed out. She was only on the road maybe five minutes when she got caught up in a mess of traffic. What was it this time? She thought to herself. As the cars were slowly let through she saw, up on the bridge ahead, there was a woman standing there, hanging off the side. Oh dear God! Her head started spinning. She jumped put of her car, without any thought, and ran as fast as she could to reach the woman. The woman had tears running down her face, black mascara streaking a zig zag pattern down her cheeks. Her eyes were swollen and blood shot red. She was gripping the rail so tight that her fingernails were almost digging into it as if she were digging into flesh. “Stay back!” She screamed at sarah, as she jolted her neck, looking from over the bridge and back at Sarah. Sarah calmly pleaded with her, you don’t want to do this. This is just a temporary problem, but this action is permanent. Please, just let me come speak with you, let me try to help you and comfort you.” After a few minutes the woman let Sarah come closer. They talked, but no one heard a word that was spoken. The crowd of people just stood there, in fear that the woman would leap down to her death at any moment. About an hour went by, the people had already been leaving, but Sarah stayed with her every minute. Sarah finally convinced the lady to come back over the railing. She grabbed her around the waist and steadied the lady, she placed both feet on the ground, tears still streaming down her face. The ambulance took her to the hospital, sarah told her she could call her anytime and slipped her business card with her personal number on it and told her to never hesitate, no matter the time of day. She would always be there to help in any way she could. Sarah got back into her car and after a couple of minutes she began to drive again and headed to work.

The day was like a blur for sarah. She was there, but yet she wasn’t. She couldn’t stop thinking about the woman on the bridge. Did she really just talk someone out of suicide? Did she really have enough love, kindness, and passion for others that it meant something to this woman? She hoped she would call, but she had her doubts. The woman would probably be locked away for a while anyway, considering she was an endangerment to herself, and really to others if they would have had to jump in to save her. Before sarah knew it, it was five o’clock, time to pack it up and call it a night. Sarah couldn’t wait to get home, to put her feet up and just relax. She already had it planned out, Friday night, pizza night. She planned on watching some of her favorite old movies while eating pizza and having some down time.

When sarah got home she gave her friend, Mary, a call. “Do you want to come over tonight, eat pizza and watch a movie?” Mary told sarah that she would love to, but she already had plans for the evening, so sarah finished up her conversation, hung up, and called for pizza delivery for herself. She spent the whole night watching her favorite movies and munching on pizza. Hours later, sarah started having restless dreams again. Her heart started pounding, and she was back to being strapped down to a bed, being taken down the long hallways. She wanted to scream, but this time she couldn’t. Her voice couldn’t make noise, couldn’t cry out. She started feeling pain shoot through her body, her heart felt like it was about to leap out of her chest. Was she having a heart attack while in this strange hospital? Why wouldn’t they pay any attention to her? Tears were streaming down her face. The pain started getting stronger, but she could no longer scream. Next thing she knew, her skin felt like it was on fire. God! She cried, help me! It hurts, it burns, make it stop. HELP ME! Sarah awoke screaming, and out of her mouth the words came as she sat up off of the couch, IT HURTS!

Sarah broke into a sweat, she felt her insides cramping up tight, her toes were curled up so tight that for a minute she thought she wouldn’t be able to straighten them out again. Slowly, she was able to release them. Her hands had been curled just as tight, like she had formed them into a fist, ready to punch anything near her. She sat for a minute, trying to collect herself, wondering why she was having these dreams, why the pain felt so real. Why she couldn’t find peaceful sleep these days.

The thought crossed her mind the maybe she should make an appointment with a shrink, but she didn’t want to sound crazy, she was already crazy enough in her dreams, it seemed. Sarah fought the uneasy feeling off for a good while and finally, after a couple hours, was able to go to sleep, tucked comfortably in her bed.

The next morning sarah awoke feeling better, she seemed to not dream the rest of the night. If she did, she couldn’t remember any of it. It was another beautiful day, so she decided to take a walk in the park. The trees were not quite bare yet, but they were beautiful, full of colors; orange, red, yellow, and a hint of left over green. Sarah sat on one of the benches, gazed up at the Robin egg blue sky and sighed. What a perfect day it was. Her cell rang, breaking her day dreaming, it was jacob. “Hey Beautiful! How is my girl doing today?” Jacob asked. Sarah smiled, even though he was not there to see her, “I’m good. Missing you. You should come to the park and have lunch with me today, its absolutely gorgeous today.” Jacob agreed with her, told sarah he would head out as soon as he finished up a few things he was doing and on his way over he would stop and pick up fried chicken. Sarah got up and started walking again, while she waited on Jacob to arrive. Her heart was overflowing with joy as she heard all the children playing on the swings, chasing each other around the play ground, and gliding quickly down the slides. I can’t wait to start my own little family, she thought to herself. Two little ones seem good, maybe four would be even better. She was dreaming of pushing a little girl on the swing and a little boy playing tag with all the other kids. Just as her mind was drifting far away into a beautiful bliss of possibilities she heard someone call her name. “Sarah.” Jacob called two or three times before Sarah snapped out of her dreaming state. She turned behind her and saw Jacob walking toward her. yes! She thought. He was the perfect guy. He would be the perfect dad, the perfect man in her life, he would complete her, complete their family. It was at that moment, sarah knew, beyond a doubt, she was madly in love with this man and wanted to spend her life with him. All the questions, concerns, and fears slipped away, as if a cloud had been lifted and the whole world had now been made clear.

Sarah gave a flashy smile and a ran up to Jacob, gave him a huge kiss and a deep passionate hug. “I have missed you so much, even though it’s only been one day.” She said as she chuckled lightly under her breath. Jacob sat the food out one of the picnic tables and gave a wickedly handsome smile back at her. “Well, that’s a good thing, and I have missed you like crazy, too.” They sat and ate their lunch, talked over how their work day went yesterday, and their plans for the coming week ahead. Jacob finally broke more ice by saying, “let’s set a date for our wedding, in fact, how about we just elope. We can do a wedding and celebrate it with our friends and family in the summer, we could have an outdoor wedding, just like you have always dreamed of, but I just can’t wait to start my life with you. Why wait? We love each other and i want nothing more than to get started on our future together.” Sarah felt a lump forming in her throat, but she felt excited. Her hands started to shake. She felt as though she had like five cups of coffee or something with how jittery this new idea made her feel. “Yes.” She said with a low voice, but the largest smile he had even seen light up her face. “I can’t wait to start my life with you either” he leaned over to her, kissed her and they walked, hand in hand, around the park, enjoying the sound of the singing birds and the children’s laughter.

Sarah got home pretty late because she and Jacob went out to eat at the steak house. They were celebrating their new plans, that involved going to the justice of the peace tomorrow and finally saying I do. Sarah drifted off to sleep with nothing but a smile on her face and butterflies in her stomach. Deep into sleep her nightmares started again. She went from feeling at peace, to being tormented, fear, and pain. This time she was not in a hospital bed, but in what seemed to be an ocean of fluid, but she was able to breathe. She felt light as air, but not floating. She was swimming. Swimming and breathing, splashing. It was amazing at first. She felt such excitement, but then she noticed a noise. It was a thumping, no, more like a pounding. As she listened, she noticed, it sounded like a heart beat. It was steady, solid, and made her feel safe, but then weird things started to happen, all the fluid that she was swimming in began to go away. She didn’t feel like a fish out of water, but she no longer felt safe. Fear started clinging to her every thought. The fluid was gone, but now returning, it was filling around her again so she could swim and flip like she did before. This time it hurt. It was burning, just like in her dreams before. Her eyes were burning, they felt swollen. She started to scream, she was crying in pain. What was this? Where was she? She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t reach for help, all she did was burn. Her arms felt like they were starting to burn off, her hands and fingers looked like the skin may have been melting. She screamed, she thought of her best friend, Mary. She yelled for Mary to help her, she screamed for Jacob to come to her rescue, but no one came. Her legs started feeling just like her arms, like the skin was burning off. Her chest was burning so badly that she struggled to breathe, she could breathe in the fluid before, but not now. Now it wasn’t possible, she only hurt. Then she saw someone, a face she had never seen before came to her, the pain started going away, it was a man, he had a glow about Him and made her feel such peace. She looked down at her feet and they looked like a childs feet. Her hands were small, child size, and he took one of them, pulled her in close to him and hugged her tightly, brushed the back of her head, as she let out her last whimpering cry. The screaming stopped, the pain stopped. There was no more fear. Only love, comfort, and compassion. He held her tightly to Him and she felt like He never let go.

Time went by and she saw a room with people walking around. She looked down at a table where there was what looked like burned tissue. no, she looked harder and saw it looked like there were feet, little hands, and what looked like a severally burned face. She looked to the man that rescued her from the burning fluid, then looked back at the table. She heard people talking to a woman named Mary. Giving her information about “everything was now over and successful.” They told her something about there was no damage, no pain, and gave her numbers for counseling, if she felt she needed it. Sarah looked at the womans face, covered in tears. She looked broken, guilty, and maybe even ashamed. Sarah, not quite understanding, looked at her rescuer again with a question on her face. “What is this, where am I and why did this happen?” The man looked at her and said, don’t dwell on your pain of the past, and don’t fight to figure it out. Just live in the dream that I gave you for your short time on earth, let that be your memory. Sarah began to cry as Mary’s voice was heard, she knew it, she talked to her many times, though she knew Mary never heard her, not really. She hugged the man who took her away from all the pain, held on to Him tightly and cried. He held her chin up, wiped each tear from her cheeks and told her, no need for tears, you are with me now and there will be no more pain, my child. She smiled, as the thoughts of her life flashed through her mind, it was a life she never had, but God sure made the dream absolutely beautiful!

Abortion: Is It Okay?

Well, that is a really tough subject! The fights go back and forth so much between pro-choice and pro-life.

I feel this way, if you decide abortion is ok for any reason at all, you are pro-choice. If you believe abortion is ok for only health issues for the mother, as in giving birth will cause her death, you are pro-life/choice. If you believe the mother shouldn’t have a choice at all, due to her death being a result, you are pro- I control your life and choices.

This subject has had my head spinning for many years. How can I tell someone they have no right to abort from a rape, but how can I not speak up for the child who is not given the choice, but slain just for being the egg that was fertilized against the women’s will? How can I tell a women she has no choice to stay with the rest of her family, but to deliver a child and then die? Why does the baby not have a choice to live, why is it the one made to lose its potential at life over the mother’s?

If I choose to believe abortion is ok for these reasons, is God holding that against me? Will I be judged for saying is ok to abort? We are all held accountable for every single thing we do, according to the Bible, so what am I supposed to believe and how should I feel? On the other hand if I say no! You can’t abort the baby for your own life, that is the choice being made of murdering the mother, or the choice being made by the individual that to me looks like suicide, after all, she is knowingly killing herself for the sake of a baby to live. How can one live with either answer given? If I say it’s ok, I take away the baby’s right, if I say no, I take away the women’s right

It all boils down to this: we all have a right to freedom, in the USA at least, and we all have freedom of choice, according to the Bible. If you have made the choice of abortion and feel guilty, take it to God in prayer and repent, know that He is a forgiving God for anything He sees as wrong and His love for you outweighs the mistakes you make blindly. Don’t beat yourself up for making a choice to save yourself if you have, but if you are facing the choice think long and hard before making it. Talk to God, talk to friends, think of the pros and cons of choosing choice over baby’s life in the situation. Make sure you think of how you will live with the memory, that it’s not something that could make you crazy. I myself do not believe God would hold it against one for making a choice to save their own life, knowing a life would go, one way or another, though it’s hard to see it taken away no matter what. If you are faced with the choice from a rape, weigh out the options.. again… how will I feel after doing it? Will it haunt me? Do I hate the child so much, even though it is part of me, that I couldn’t stand to give it life, and give it potential? Could I just give it up for adoption, to save its life, and give it a chance to make the world a better place?

Even if the case was to abort from rape, again, God is forgiving, God is love. This is such a hard thing to cope with, that it is hard to tell someone, “you have to deliver that baby.” We all have freedom, and in the end God makes the final judgment call on all of our choices. So, is abortion okay? Is it okay for the right reason’s? Is it wrong? Is it sinful? Is it murder?

The only answer I can come up with in my own conscience is this, we have no right to tell another woman which life she should choose, especially with her own personal circumstances, but we can at least pray for her, give our advice, kindly, and be considerate of her choice cause in the end, God handles everything the way He sees fit.

We need to love people struggling with this choice that they are faced with, because women going through this are already heartbroken, overwhelmed, and feel their world has been shattered.

I don’t know the full effects of dealing with this choice, but with my last baby I thought they were telling me that my child was a tubal pregnancy, for those who don’t know, that is when the baby will never make it and the mother must abort it in order to spair her own life and not cause her tubes to explode. All I could think about was how I was going to have to kill my own baby before nature did. How my choice was so limited, really not even my own choice. How I was going to have to live with this thought haunting me, how I couldn’t protect my future child. My world felt as though God slapped me in the face and laughed while He enjoyed doing it. The pain was unreal, and my mind just wanted to shut down.

no mother faced with this choice comes by it easily. No women skip happily and sing songs as they are faced with two choices, end your pregnancy, or end your life.

So is is okay, or is it not okay? I would have to say, to each individual, your choice is your choice, but be ready for any spiritual consequences that God may have set aside and be ready for the torture your mind may go through till the end of your own life due to feeling shame, guilt, regret, and the constant what ifs playing over in your head. In the end let God hold you for whatever choice you had to make, but just give it prayer and thought before making it. God knows your heart, that is what really matters.

Don’t make yourself ugly by being mean hearted.

I have never understood how people can be so mean to people. If you dress different from them, you are not part of their click. Don’t clean as well as they think you should, that gives them all rights to treat the person like crap. Have a different or maybe eccentric way of looking at things, you are weird and made fun of. Why are people so mean? Why hurt someone by belittling them just because you don’t like them? Why make rude comments to them and behind their back? Just because they might be slower in their thinking, not perfect in their work ethic, or have crazy; thoughts, desires, or process of thought, never gives a person the right to be a bully. Part of the problem with humanity is lack of consideration for one another. If we stopped looking for the next way to put someone down and put ourselves in the shoes of the one being bullied, we would be pissed. Fights break out from being mistreated, or from certain looks, body language, or tones in our voice cause hurt, anger, and sometimes even death. The next time you see someone being mean, stand up for the person. Let them know it is not right and it is not okay. Dare to be the one standing firm and make a statement that no one deserves to be treated like total crap. We need to fix our ways of being divided. We need to work on communication, being pleasant, and find a way to stop being so negative toward people. Many people are hurting and part is from lack of love from people they; go to church with, work with, or people noticing they are never included in anything because they are unwanted. If you feel the urge to say something negative to or about someone you don’t have the strongest liking for, refrain from it. Practice holding your tongue from speaking ugliness and watch the difference in how the person starts to act. A little love can go a long way and everyone needs love, no matter who they are or what they do or don’t do. Dare yourself to be the one who is different, dare yourself to take a stand in being kind, command yourself to be the change in someone’s life that has been bullied, put down, verbally abused, or been made the outcast by you or other people. Dare to be the change, starting with the man in the mirror.

‘Till Death Do Us Part”

I have heard it many times, you have to do what’s best for the kids, you have to do what’s best for you, the mature thing is to know when to call it quits and mature enough to be adults about it by still loving each other, as friends, especially if there are children.

Let us take a look at this for a moment.

If we are mature enough to be friends through divorce, why not fight harder to be friends in our marriage? Nothing comes easy, marriage is like an invitation card to come reek havoc in our lives. Love pushes, fights, climbs mountains, and battles anything that stands to destroy what love has built. Love is strong, romantic, sweet, passionate, and lovingly guiding.

It’s a huge challenge to bite your tongue, and many times we do fail. It’s easy to lose tempers, to speak out of spite, anger or at times when we feel hurt. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” has never been more dishonest. Words have the power to destroy, to bully, to cause anger or hate, to be verbal abuse, and the power to bring on depression.

Children need both parents, when at all possible. It’s understood that some people can not avoid divorce, but how hard was the fight to protect the marriage? Was it whole or half hearted? Was it with the mindset of, “I’ll try, but whatever is, just is, or was the mindset, I’ll try until all my energy and love has left my entire body.” Sometimes it is too hostile for children, too toxic. That is no place to call home, but sometimes the fight was given up and the breakthrough was just around the corner.

Everyone needs to feel protected, loved and appreciated. Sometimes we give up on our marriage because we don’t feel the love anymore. We drift apart, as far as one side of the sea to the other and believe we will never feel that we are loved or can love our spouse again, but if we would just hold on, talk to each other, fight to love each other, we could find that spark. All it takes is a little spark to start a flame, a little patience to get the heat burning again, and a lot of warmth will overflow once we decide to let go of anger, grudges, and doubt.

I was in this place for many years, no hope, feeling hate, despising my marriage. I was waiting for our kids to grow, believing my husband was just waiting for the same thing, so he could finally divorce me. It was a long ten years of marriage. A marriage where I almost walked out of, where I almost gave up on us. We hurt our kids by fighting, we hurt each other with our words, we made each other feel unloved, unwanted, and underappreciated. Once we both could admit how we were feeling, once we both both broke down our barriers of our feelings, we started to discover that marriage could in fact be good. There are still disagreements, still bullheaded moments, and still lack of showing affection at times, because this is totally human and natura. I try to work to never lose sight of why we came together, how we had to fight to find each other, and how everything comes in waves. It seems like marriage has an unbalanced emotion, when one is up, the other is down. This is how we can be a team though, you fight a little harder when you see your spouse is down, you pull them up and remind them that they are important and never last on your list. You give them a reason to believe the they can always trust you have their back. That is love, that is a fight. Anyone that was important enough to stand before God, family, and friends to make promises to, is worth honoring, till death do us part.

No matter how close you or they are to slipping away, just keep reaching….. never let go.💖

Fireflies and your light

Have you ever passed a field swarming with lightning bugs? Flickering the brightest yellow, shining in the cool, dark night sky. Off and on, they switch their lighting, with no care in the world, as they fly from place to place.

As a child we would stay out late trying to catch them to put in a jar. We would see one and just that fast, it was gone. The month of June was so exciting because you knew they were coming, those amazing, flying creatures that light up the night, while giving you the feeling of, summer is finally here!

Long ago, while we were driving home, I looked out my window and saw a field so full of fireflies. There were millions of them as far as the eye could see. This burst of excitement shot through me, I couldn’t stop looking at them, they were there just for me, because God knew I loved them so much. They are simple, yet amazing, small, yet mighty, here suddenly, then gone before we know it. They are one of my favorite parts about summer. They bring joy, peace, and a feeling of relaxation.

To see one fly here and there is a great thrill, even though seeing hundreds feels much better. Look at how one lightning bug brings so much joy. It’s beautiful and you know there are more where that came from, but when you see them together it brings so much more light, so much more peace, and a ton more joy.

Look at all of us humans. We are all unique, we are all beautiful and we can shine by showing love. With our words and our actions we are like light in a world filled with darkness. We can bring joy and peace to those around us with our kindness. We can shine our light to those who are hurting. We can bring peace and comfort just by listening and being there for people who are in need of wanting someone to help them through hard times. We could do so much more by shining together. This world has began to divide us though. We argue, instead of agree to disagree. We get angry and block each other out. We lose our light when we let darkness start to consume us with petty things. We need to become like the fireflies, find each other, come together and become a strong group of; love, peace, and hope. We need to shine as family, not be devided as one here and one there. We should have each others back by speaking up for the one who is being mistreated. We need to stop replacing kindness with meanness because we disagree in politics, religion, music, the metoo, and who our president is. It’s time to look past our differences and see, we are all human, no matter the color of our skin, our upbringing, if we are left or right, Democrat or Republican, or atheist. Let’s not look at what we can find to shame someone, let’s not point out failure on one another, but rather, point out the good. We must learn to encourage, to praise, to love through the differences. We need to shine brightly, we need to unite, we need to look at this world and say, we will not lose hope, we will stand strong because together, we are unstoppable! The more love shown, the less heartbreak. The more caring, the less depressed. So shine! ‘Cause when we shine great in number verses as one, we are dynamic!

Your Faith Is All God Needs To Fix Your Problems.

Do you ever feel hopeless? If you answer no, take a step back and look at your past. Search deep inside of you, every thought, every moment that things were tough, and everytime you cried, why God, why?

Faith is not something that just comes naturally. Faith comes by prayer, faithfulness to Jesus, loyalty, and by a deep prayer life. Let’s take a look at the people in the bible, we will start with Noah’s ark. God instructed Noah to build a big boat because He was going to destroy the world’s wickedness. Can you imagine how hard that was for him? The laughter from the people, the feeling of being thought of as a crazy man. We have David, with a sling shot and stones to kill a beastly man, a giant. Yet with some prayer and faith in His God, he conquered the enemy, with God hy his side the whole way. What about the three men in the more hot than normal furnace, but they would not yield to the false God. Their God was right there in the fire with them, protecting every hair on their head to the tips of their feet. Here is Moses, leading God’s children away from Egypt, parting the sea and walking through it as God closed the sea in on their enemies.

All God wants is a little bit of faith from us, for us to trust Him with our lives and His planned outcome for it. All these men in the word of God, bad may have happened, but they kept pressing on, they didn’t just give up the moment they didn’t see God’s footprints beside them. Some did waver in their faith at times, but that just shows me that even though we may get weak in our faith, even start to question God. He doesn’t give up on us. He is just standing there, arms wide open, to hold us tight and embrace our weariness.

I love the Story of Samson and Delilah. Samson lost his way for a while, he gave into temptation, and he lost the path he was to follow, but in the end he got his faith back and believed God to give him his strength back one last time, and with the help of the Lord, he completed what needed to be done by crumbling the walls down on the wickedness.

No matter how far we stray or how long it takes us to rise back from our failures, He is the ever forgiving father. Being washed in Jesus’ blood is the most amazing miracle that could ever have been given to us. He is there to help us with each day, though there are many times it is hard to believe. It’s hard to believe God is there in the times like Job, when you are losing everything, when people are telling you to just curse God because He has forsaken you. Our faith is to withhold our cursing, our faith is to still have hope, to believe something good will come from the pain we endured. Through our pain we show faith when we, just like David, dance before the Lord with all our might, though there must be those looking and laughing. God doesn’t laugh at our worship or our dance, God delights is it. We sing in times of despair, we worship and thank Him for we believe He has a plan that is coming from all our trials. We grow closer to Him when we keep belieing, our hearts are filled with peace when we give it all to Him and don’t take our misery back. We just have to trust in Him and glorify Him even when our hearts feel down. Tust that with God, when we give him our small problems, He gives us back a bigger blessing. Let Him rescue you by trutsing that He can and will pull His children out of anything and He will always create something beautiful!