(A little Of Me In The Raw) We All Fight Depression And Feeling Down, Maybe God Is Just Reaching For Us.

Today I have been in one of my, “I just don’t care moods.” I go to work every day, come home to my three amazing children and my goofy husband doing who knows what, “today i came home to him singing at the top of his lungs, smiling the whole time.” On the drive home though I looked around, quickly, the cars passing by, the never ending traffic, all the buildings, and just thought, “what does any of this even matter?” Sometimes I feel like the world is spinning only to grab its first chance to throw me off of it. What if there is nothing more? What if everything i believe in and hold dear to my heart is just a dream, just something branded into my head? I think back to the times that I have felt God in my life, His spirit over shadowing me, but then I look at the hard times and think, it’s just the world spinning… It’s just me living until my body stops breathing and my brain and heart finally shut down. I used to get extremely depressed, though no one would know it or ever dream it to look at me. I’m the girl who is always “talking.” The person who makes people laugh, laughing myself, or laughed at. I would go through times of anger and deep depression that I would long for God to say… Ok, you are done.. Come on home. I would be going through things in my marriage that made me so upset I just wished it would all end. I felt hated, unloved, useless, unwanted, and betrayed by my husband and some friends. The only thing I really had a joy for was my kids. They would pull me out of the hole and keep me where i needed to be. My marriage has been restored, through all the hard times that we went through. God gave my husband and me both a different mindset. A love for each other, through the help of a former “friend.” you can read about that throughout my blogs on all of that if you haven’t already. Today it was hitting me again. The feeling of depression. What am i worth? I have been told that no one loves me by someone who used to be a friend. He wrote so many nasty things trying to make me believe i am worth nothing, that i am a horrible person, and that i am a “fake” christian. (Note the real reason) i am these things because I would not continue talking to him all the time privatly and would NOT “sleep” with him because I was a married woman. I find it hard to believe that that makes me such a bad christian, but anyway…moving on. These moments feel overwhelming for me sometimes and I start sinking into a, “I just don’t care about the world” moment and I’m just here to pay bills and die. As I was driving home from work, i have been thinking these thinks off and on the last couple days, I started looking at the trees. They are finally starting to bloom and become beautiful. The world is starting to come alive and, so to speak, singing God’s praises. I thought about how amazing God is, how He created such beauty just for us. He put us in this world to see all His creation, to enjoy the things He loves and treasures. He didn’t put us here to feel useless, He made us because He said to Himself, this person would be great for this and that person would be great for that…. I even bet God thought… I’ll make him for her and her for him, together they will do great things in my name, if only they rise to the challenge. I felt God’s love as i was hearing the birds sing while I was walking from my car and i have seen Cardinals in my backyard lately, one of the beauties I hold dear of God’s art work. I see kindness in people helping others with things going on in their lives and I see hope in the faces of the people who have just spent time in prayer with Jesus Christ, our one true God. His spirit comes and comforts me just by opening my eyes to see what He created around me. God is around us everywhere and we are so loved. I just have to remember to look, to listen, and to remember, God gave us each other to be the portion of God we can’t physically see. We are created in His image, so we each are part of God, meant to comfort each other in times of need. So if you are like me and start feeling useless, maybe God is putting that burden on your heart so you can pray. You don’t have to know who it may be, all you have to do is just talk to God and let his spirit guide you with your words. After that just look and listen, God may just be trying to tell you how much He loves you with your very surroundings that He created for our pleasure and He may feel unwanted by you Himself, so He is reaching for you with those very feelings. I know God loves me, I know He cares and there is so much more to life than just living, it’s life living for Him.

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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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