“Marriage Restored” Marriage Isn’t About Winning, It’s About Building A Team.

Some people believe marriages that start with a bad grounded foundation are doomed. There are cases where they are doomed for failure, unfortunately. Some people are not compatible and never will be, too selfish for marriage, married to soon or too young. The thing is, marriage is supposed to be for life. When you stand before God and pledge your lives to one another, that means you are there to help build each other up. You are each others foundation, but it has to be built from scratch. You need to learn from each other, to help guide each other. Cheering one another on in life gives a peaceful atmosphere, it shows love and support, which keeps a connection between the spouses that create a stronger bond. Anyone entering into marraige thinking it’s going to be all sunshine and happiness is sadly mistaken. It takes work, really hard work. There is a lot of; ups and downs, fights, grief, financial problems, miscommunication, feeling of neglect, being proven wrong, feeling hurt, and anger. The key is to try to look through your spouses eyes. Try to see that they have feeling just like you do, that they go through personal struggles and it may make them distant, moody, and sometimes unbearable. It may feel as though you are fighting a losing battle. Why keep going? Why not just call it quits? Why put each other through the hell ringer for all of your lives? Well, here is why…

My marraige~

We were married pretty young, but not too young. We didn’t really know anything about each other. People are good at covering up who they really are. It’s not always because they are hiding something bad about themselves, but it could be because they feel ashamed of their past, or feel you wont work through a situation with them, that you will just leave, so they hide things from you. This can cause many problems in marriages because secrets tend to always come out. Sometimes a friend lets it slip by mistake, or they tell cause they think the person should know. Sometime your own guilt can’t handle the secret anymore, so you tell. At this point your spouse could feel betrayed because you kept it from them, you didn’t trust or believe in them to have faith in you and work it out with you. My marriage was full of secrets and full of alcohol and drugs at one point. It felt full of neglect, shaming, sarcasm, and what felt like lack of love. When people have these problems in their marriage, it cause more conflict and less strength. Over the years of; belittling, unwanted unloving touching, and many things that drive so many families apart, it started causing us to feel unloved by one another. We had no solid foundation, and no prospect of a strong marriage. He did things here and there that he thought he was improving on our marriage, but i was so focused on all the hurt and lack of trust that I didn’t see the good he did. I only saw a future of destruction, a long life ahead of me with a man that hated me and was stuck with me because of our children together. We had fights, we screamed, we were either ignoring one another and in our own world or we were arguing. After ten years of marriage, we were like strangers living side by side. I called us roommates. I found myself not even wanting to be near him. I was losing my grip on reality and focusing more on other people. Without having love showing, from both people, and having that firm foundation, people start to look for companionship from other people. That is where i was going. I was talking to another guy, as friends, and he was pouring all the attention he could into our conversations. I had mixed feelings about talking to him all the time in messanger, but came to my own conclusion that it was fine. He was starting to convince me that my husband didn’t love me, that i settled, and he was working hard to get me to believe i should divorce my spouse, all while assaulting me. He started sucking the life out of me. He was taking up all my time, all my energy, and keeping me up really late nights chatting back and forth. Spouses should be open with each other, to see when the other is starting to sink. Well, i was sinking and my husband was starting to see that, but communication was not strong for either of us. We went through another piece of hell, you can read about that story through my other blog starting at blog one, or the shorter story of it, “Manipulated and sexually assaulted” but this isn’t about that, so that is for you to decide if you are interested in reading about. Once I finally had enough from the emotional roller coaster ride i was on, i started opening up to my husband. I started reaching out and he started stepping up. We found our voices, we found love, and we started building that foundation. Marriage can’t work if two people are not willing to try, so that is why you have to put yourselves in each others shoes. Have compassion for one another, watch the other person’s spirit, the part of them that is easily cast down and destroyed by words and action. Every fight doesn’t have to have a winner, marriage isn’t about winning, its about building a team. When you feel neglected, talk about it, and don’t be condescending while talking or listening. If someone if feeling a certain emotion, be open to that, not everyone reacts to everything the same way and some people deal with things in a more dramatic way, but they still need love and support. Agree to disagree sometimes, sometimes you both are right… Or both are wrong. Don’t give up on a promise you made to each other, honor it by working on it. Nothing can last forever without repairs and reconstruction. With all good things come work, perseverance, commitment,understanding, and patience. I thought my marriage was doomed for failure. I thought that I was hated and just tolerated, but after we both decided to work on building our foundation, got rid of the negitive memories and negitive people, chose to work together instead of tearing each other apart, we found a common ground. It’s not about winning, it’s not about just you, it’s about restoring what is breaking. Restoring and repairing is much easier when something is cracked, but harder once it is broken. So, reconstruct and reshape, do anything and everything cause the verdict can be, “Marriage Restored.”

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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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