Sometimes we really struggle with forgiveness. So many wrongs, so many moments of being hurt, and so many betrayals. It can be a challenge of all challenges, specially when you really just want to hate someone for what they did to you at sone point in your life. It took me years to forgive my husband for some things. I held onto the memory and pain to guard my heart, to put the breaks on fully being able to love him because I was so tired of being hurt. You can’t be hurt by someone as easily if you continue to hold their past against them. It seemed like a good plan to me, but really all it did was cause more conflict, more pain, and more separation between two people who should have had each others back and feel as though they could, together, conquer the world. It took me 10.5 years of marriage until I was finally able to let it go, to bury the past and stop opening the grave back up to resurrect all the “he did, he said, he this, he that, he…. But now… I have found a new target to lay my, “hard to forgive problem.” I still struggle with the memories of J. I will be fine throughout the day and suddenly something will trigger a memory of something he did or said. I can feel it rise in me, I know my blood pressure must be going up when the memories come flooding in like a dam just broke or something.
I had a dream last night. In my dream I went up the escalator at boscovs, the first place he assaulted me, I got to the top, turned left and started walking. I looked way ahead of me and realised I was looking at the very place he had assaulted me, (sitting on one of the sofas that he insisted I sit down with him, even when i clearly showed resistance and not wanting to, but did it anyway on the second time he insisted I sit.) In my dream I stopped walking and just froze. I felt the feeling of how I felt when it first happened. The disgust, the half sick feeling, the I can’t even move feeling. Suddenly my whole body tensed up; my legs were tense and tight and I had very tight fists. I started screaming, like a war cry toward the area where we were when it happened, at the top of my lungs, it could be heard through the entire store.
I finally got up and went to work. I carried on with my day but the thoughts going back and forth on why in the world I had this dream. Later, a thought came to me, if we don’t forgive, we can’t be forgiven. If the person who did the wrong ends up in hell, and I go there for lack of being able to forgive, Im stuck with this person for all doomed eternity. Not cool, to say the least. On the other hand, if God has redeemed the wrong doer and he ends up in heaven, i have forviven, but still let thoughts of revenge creep in my mind from time to time… How would I feel, seeing them in heavenly eternity, with still having a taste of frustration that they may never have been delt with for their wrong doing? It’s not easy to let go, but if the wrong doer and I do end up in the same place for eternity, it would be best I whole heartedly let God control the whole situation. (Seems like I keep taking steps back) So, I started questioning myself. How do I know if I am heading in the right direction? My husband was sick and a thought crossed my mind, J might get get this and be sick as a dog, good, that will be deserved. Almost as soon as the thought came I thought, no! I hope doesn’t get this, I wouldn’t wish this bug on anyone. So, I figured that is my sign that I am on the mend. I must not be too bad on not forgiving him, I just get angry and sometimes have to scream at the prior situation, but as long as I keep returning to the thought that God is in control, I’ll be ok. So if we do end up in the same place for all of eternity, I can find peace in knowing that God made the right choice and my mind will never again think of the past. Honestly, if we make it to the good place with people we have struggled forgiving, they were probably sorry and repented of what they had done wrong.