This could be a trigger warning! Memories (bad ones) flooding my mind. Details of, could be assault. Messages that go into detail of sexual harassment.
Over time parts of my conversation come back to me with J, click here to see my #me too story. While we were friends he was always telling me how he missed sex so much. He told me how his last girl friend had cheated on him so he hadn’t had any sex in six years. This story continued the same for about three years, yet the time frame never changed. He always tells the story that he hadn’t had a girl friend or a date in 6 years, even though he told me 3 years ago the same story, call me crazy, or bad at math, but i believe 6+3=9.
J used to say things to me like, he couldn’t imagine me having sex for anything other then to have kids, multiple times he said this in messenger. He told me he couldn’t see my husband being able to give me an orgasm. He questioned me on how i like my sex and how I liked to be thrilled in bed. I constanly was telling him I was not getting into my personal sex life with him, yet he spread that i had an affair on my husband, but he still hasn’t had a girl friend in. “6 years.” How can i have an affair with him, yet he has been alone all this time? If i was having an affair why would i not sleep with him and not WANT to disguss how he could please me in bed? Wouldn’t i want the most i could get? When he asked why i wouldn’t tell him what i liked, i told him it was none of his business. Because he knew i was attracked to him as a possibility for dating if i ever became available he continued to talk sexually to me. Knowing full well i didn’t like talking about this stuff, he did it anyway. He went into detail that IF we ever ended up together he would do the dishes after supper while I put my kids to bed. Then he would sweetly try to talk me into having sex with him that night. He told me on another occasion how he would touch me in the shower and go down on me if i would allow him to. J would somehow start conversations about blow jobs and talk about how good they felt and how he wouldn’t force me to do them if we were together, but really would want me to.
While talking to J, before his assault on me, i was talking about how my back hurt, I think it’s how the conversation started, he told me he would massage me, but his massages tend to turn women on. He told me that he was giving a friend a back massage and she got so turned on that he put his finger on her clit, applying pressure, to give her the release she needed. I have no confirmation, but i now believe he touched her without her wanting him too, i feel this way because of the way he did me when he groped me in the store. I was coerced by him and after many assaults i stopped fighting him and kissed him back, he shortly after that groped me, i tried to push his hands off, but he faught me hard by holding against my hands pushing him off for a few seconds. He was trying to put pressure on me and turn me on to get me to willingly sleep with him after all the times he had been told no, after he assaulted me before and yet I still gave him another shot at friendship because of his depression and my loyalty as a friend. I think he forced his touch on her as well and she felt it was her fault, because she didn’t stop him, or maybe cause she had been turned on, so she kept it to herself, cause she was embarrassed and didn’t want to be judged, just like I did for so long. Just because your body reacts to a sexual touch doesn’t mean you have given permission. The body has a natural reaction of feelings, even in distress. I feel disgusted with myself for letting him get by with sick stuff like this and I want others to learn from me… If something seems odd about a touch, or the way someone is talking to you inappropriately, or making you feel uncomfortable, don’t just take it for the sake of the friendship. ( my biggest regret) If you ever find yourself being touched and don’t like it, speak up and be bold. We have a right to protect our bodies and our feelings. If you have been there and have guilt weighing you down, don’t let it anymore. Freezing up and not being able to say no is not your shame, its your ” i dont know what to do mechanism” and it is the assaulters shame cause they took without permission.
Much love to all the survivors! Remember, you are strong, beautiful, and a fighter to stand today and tell your story. Lets protect each other from future attacks and always remember who we are!