Now I’m A Warrior

Some days are better then other. I have come a long way since I was assaulted. I have spoke to many people of my assault, and shared articles with hope to help them be aware, or to understand what they went through or have been a victim of. Some days I have no problems with thinking about my past, other days I can’t seem to keep memories out of my head about it. Some days I just feel like I finally gave it to God, then later I will feel rage build in me again. I want to fully give over what is in my past, the pain and anger, to God and stop picking it back up, but its not easy, I sometimes get this strong desire to wish to see revenge. Why should I have to sit and remain silent and quietly deal with the trauma due to some jack ass that harrassed me and wouldn’t take no for an aswer? Yet he just gets by with it… It enrages me sometimes. Yes, i was attracted to his personality. Yes, if i had been available i would have dated him cause I thought we had an interest in the same things, same likes, same joking personality. I didn’t realize that he was such a deceitful, dark person for he hides it quite well. I was lonely and wanted companionship, he wanted everything and anything and chose to try to “make me his” after being told i was afraid someone would get hurt. I told him this cause I didn’t see it going down the path he did. I saw it as he would get hurt when he found i wasn’t going to screw him, or leave my husband. He had my mind so messed up, while I was at his job i had this vission in my head, it scared me, of him holding me against the wall, screwing me. Nothing loving and beautiful. It was violent and made me so uneasy feeling. I left suddenly cause the horrible thought that crossed my mind made me very uncomfortable. Was this after or before his first assault? I can not remember! I wish I could. I told him in messanger that I had to get out of the store quickly. He pushed and pushed asking me why I left quickly like I did, so being he manipulates and would never shut up until I gave him a full blown answer I told him, very boldly, that i had a vission, or thought, not sure of the word I used, of him pushing me up against the wall F@* me. I was so frustrated with him cause he would keep harrassing till you tell him everything you were thinking. Later he said it made him feel good that i had that run through my head. All I could do was think, why did that make you feel good? I didn’t like it, It was almost like a fear of what he might try to do. He had also just told me a story before that about a guy and girl that went in the back and got it on, causing the guy to be fired. Maybe thats why it was in my head, that he might try something on me himself. He would take anything I said and try to use it on me or against me. Anything I said trying to get him to back down a little, im sure he twisted it in his head to be that I was oking something even when i wasn’t. The anger that builds up over time is overwhelming. Specially now that i see his tactics it really pisses me off that i was blindsided by him. I guess all I can do is take it all one day at a time and try to help others. I just dont want to lose myself now that i have finally found me again. J almost destroyed me, he almost made me something im not with his brain washing of my environment. I never want to be that out of control of my own life and own choices ever again. I never want to be pressured into letting someone insist on hanging out and blame me for their despression again. My new will of iron stands to be; better, stronger, unstopable; invincible mentally, untouchable physically, and to never be destroyed by anyone like him ever again. I just have to let go of the rage and only have peace that God has got it all covered. He never lets an enemy hurt His child. So, with Gods help, I will win this, walking upright and victorious cause he never will destroy me, for I AM A SURVIVOR, I AM WARRIOR!

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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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