My Son, My Hero, who I thought I lost.

I always wanted a boy, mainly because I loved the name Dominic. Dominic James Cornelius. I heard the name Dominic on the 3rd film of Anne Of Green Gables. It’s suprising I didn’t want to name him Gilbert and call him by the adorable nick name, Gil. As luck would have it, or providence if you want to sound more like the Anne Of Green Gables books, my husband and I ended up with 2 girls. I guess its a good thing i had changed my mind and wanted girls while pregnant, cause that’s what God saw fit for us to have. I thought I was done, no more kids, no more baby times. Six years after our last girl was born i found out I was pregnant with my son. This was beyond not planned, but the thought had started crossing my mind to maybe have another one. Now that my husband and I were getting along so well, like a family, it seemed nice to think about maybe one more. After a good while of tossing the idea back and forth in my head i decided that it would not be a good idea with bills and work. I said to God, if you want me to have another child and don’t think it would be irresponsible with living pay check to pay check you are just going to have to let me get pregnant through my paraguard. About one month later i found out that I was pregnant. Due to the fact that it was a paraguard pregnancy it made my pregnancy a “higher risk” for just the first few weeks. I had to have an internal ultrasound at a very early stage to make sure the baby was not implanted in the tube, as most people know a tubal pregnancy means, unless there is a miracle from God, the baby has to be aborted because there is no way for the baby to move to where it needs to be and the growing process would just kill the mother, no queation of if, it just would. I was laying there having my ultrasound talking to the tech about how i was guessing my paraguard must have slipped, but my mind was wondering if the baby was where it belonged. A few seconds later the tech starts going over my ultrasound and says, “well, i can tell you right now its not in place.” All i could say was, “Oh, it’s not?” She shook her no and i instantly started bursting into tears. My head was spinning, a thousand thoughts at once flooding me. I thought, great! Now im going to have to abort this baby. I detest abortion! Every life deserves a fighting chance to grow up, to be somebody. This kind of pregnancy wouldn’t be one where the mother’s life was at risk but maybe the baby will make it. I tried to stop crying, but it felt like my heart had just been ripped from my chest, amd stomped all over. It was like God was messing with me, that He wanted to hurt me greater then i had ever been hurt. I layed there thinking and questioning why God would create this human after my prayer of the paraguard just to cause it to have to be destroyed. The ache was so unexplainable. The deepest grief of losing a loved one couldn’t even be compared to this ache. The tech continued on with the ultrasound, telling me every part that she was looking at. My mind was racing. This woman was torturing me! Why was she going on with this when we both knew it couldn’t be saved? A few minutes later they had me meet up with my doctor in the other room, he was sitting in his office chair, his back toward me while he was updating his computer. My eyes must have been swollen and red from all the crying. He spins his chair around and says, well, young lady, you’re pregnant. How do you feel about that? I looked at him totally confused and said, well i was happy, emphasizing on the was. I thought, “why the heck would he ask me this? The tech told me it wasn’t in placen why is he treating me like it doesn’t matter, he has to see im a total wreck!” He started going into detail about removing the paragaurd and saying he didn’t think it would hurt anything. Now me, being the half minded slow person i am, i said, ” but the baby’s not gonna make it, right? He finally cleared it up for me. The baby was fine and put perfectly in place. I started crying, yet again, happy to hear this. I told him what was said and how I thought the tech meant the baby was not in place, so he had to clear it all up that the paraguard was not in place. Miscommunication sucks! After a couple more safety check ups, being a paraguard pregnancy and all, everything was fine and back to being a normal pregnancy. I believe part of having our son at this time was God’s timing cause he knew i would need him just now. He brings so much joy, even in the times i feel down. The past two years were the hardest years i have ever faced such pressure, manipulation, heartbreak, trials, and betrayal. If you have read my blogs, you will know why. Dominic Cornelius calvin, we changed the name cause we just didn’t see the name James being wanted or needed. We chose, instead, to name him after grandads on both sides of the family instead. He has been the completed joy to my perfect little family of my husband and the girls, but he has been the thing that i needed to help keep my mind focused on striving for perfection. To not let myself give up. Dominc is part of my healing process from all the pain in the past. To see that smiling face, to hear that crazy laugh, to see him look up at me and smile his biggest smile. I can look at him, the little boy who is not judging me, not pushing me to do anything but love him as his mother. To care for him and raise him to be the man that any woman can feel and be safe around. It gives me new hope every day that i can trust him with my whole heart and know that i am going to have an effect on his life that is real, to teach him love and compassion, the things that some never learn about or sadly never practice. Besides focusing on how to love God and show His love to others, i have a son who helps me remember why i am here, its not to slowly die inside and be eaten alive with being down, angry for what others have done, or to plot revenge. It’s to teach him through what i have learned from my past, and other people. So my son, Dominic, whos name means ” OF THE LORD” was sent of the Lord in the most perfect time I needed him.

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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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