letter to my assaulter.. will never really send, but it feels good to state what I would love to say.

What kind of a person demands so much attention? Who takes everything you tell them and tries to use it against you? Who makes fun of someone who is trying to have a prayer life and get closer to God, all while claiming to be a Christian himself? Who puts you down all the time and turns around pretending its a joke, but act like a victim when you play back? All you ever did was use me, you took advantage of my friendship, my family, my kindness, and trust. You manipulated, pushed, harassed, and treated me with so much disrespect. You should feel remorse, but you are to busy acting like a piece of crap and to much of a coward to admit what you did. You wouldn’t leave me alone. You pushed and harassed, you manipulated and used guilt to get you way. You made me believe that you were so depressed and it helped you to be around me. All you wanted was to be near me so you could touch me, to push yourself on me. You lied and made things up to brainwash me into thinking i liked you so much. the garbage you made up was total bull! You clamed I blushed when I saw you walk toward me at the grocery store. Some twisted lie considering I don’t blush just cause a person is walking toward me to hang out. If anything, you saw the embarrassed look on my face as I was thinking, why did he dress in a suit to do grocery shopping? Noting like being over dressed to go to the store, its like a walking reject. I even had to act like I liked you in jeans best just cause I knew you would put those on in the future if you thought that, this was the only way to not be totally and completely embarrassed by having you tagging along like some freaking step child. You spoke in messenger about how you could smell me while you were lying down. Just another one of you stupid tactics to control me. There was no smell of me on you, I never touched all over you, or hugged all over you. You, on the other hand, grabbed and touched all over me. You were told no to holding hands cause it wasn’t right. I made it clear how I felt and you touched me, held me, and pushed yourself on me anyway. You groped me and then lied about me liking it, trying to make me believe it, accusing that you believed you could get me to sleep with you. You spun lies non stop, you continued harassing me, demanding to know things about my sexual life, likes, wants, desires… even after told it was non of your business you would not shut the freak up and leave me alone. You are a sick, perverted, wicked human that sucks the life out of people. All you ever did was talk and talk trying to make things go your way. You would talk so much in messenger, trying to get any proof you could cause you knew one day I would wise up, become bold enough to stand up to you and your crap. You save all your precious conversations so you can try to blackmail people, who ever your victim is at the time. Only a sick, twisted individual would treat people who have been kind, loving and loyal to him the way you do. I often wonder how many other girls out there were sexually assaulted by your disgusting touch. Scrolling through your newsfeed I could finally see that you have been a sick stalker for a long time. I tried to get you to back off with how you were treating me many times. I would try to scare you into thinking my husband knew we had hung out, you didn’t care, you just kept doing whatever you wanted. I made it clear to you how bad it was with talking to me sexually, by putting it in perspective of if some guy was doing to your wife ( if you had one) what you are doing to me, how you would feel. You acted like you understood, you got pissed and started talking about the crap you would do to the guy, but you chose to start it all up again the very next day. Any time you were told no about something you would sulk until you got your way. You tried to tell my husband that I was perverted and went along with everything, you are perverted! You knew I was married, knew you were told no, knew I was not getting a divorce, and yet you continued to push until I finally stopped fighting back on your touch and demands. You pushed and shoved so that I was numb and blinded. Even later when I wanted to tell you to stop, I couldn’t get the words out, so I just played the part, wishing for you to stop, you had me so wore down. I was tired, confused, and couldn’t keep the constant fight and energy up to push you away. I beat myself up far too long, wondering why I had developed so much anger toward you. It took me a year to figure out that you were playing on my feelings so strongly, driving a wedge between me and my family all for your own attention. You are the most selfish person I have ever met, you treated me like total crap, and are to much of a coward to admit what you did and simply say you are sorry. You turn around and blamed me, you act like it was my fault… My fault that you kept touching me, holding onto me, my fault that had me sit on a couch that you chose to scoot over on and start nibbling at my ear, causing me to feel numb and half sick, my fault that you kissed me after We had just talked about you not touching me… My fault that you did all these things and continued your sick talking through messenger when I made it clear that I wasn’t in a relationship with you like that. My fault that you demanded to hang out with me and shoved me against the store shelves, pinned so i couldn’t move, Forcing kissing on me when I never asked you to. I wanted to yell stop, but was so brainwashed by you that i felt i would be cruel and mean to you if i made you feel unloved by yet another friend if i told you off for anything. I told you no after the first kiss and you did it all to me again a few weeks later after promising not to ever touch me again when i told you not to. You are the most horrible manipulator I have ever seen. You act like it was my fault you groped me right after the kissing, even though I fought hard to push your hands off of me. You lied and pretended I like it. I know I didn’t! The only thing good from this is that my husband came and rescued me from you, the devil, and we developed a strong marriage that we never had before. I finally saw you for what you really are, and have become a stronger, wiser, more determined person, thanks to all your sick ways of behaving. So as much as I despise you, and pray God deals with you how He thinks best, I have to remember that it all served as a great lesson. I am now who I am because of you. I try not to hate you, cause I want my heart filled with Godly love. The rage comes and goes, but I feel sure it will never go away. You don’t deserve good things, you deserve to suffer. I pray one day you wake up to what you did, admit it, and ask Gods forgiveness, but I feel very sure, knowing who you really are, that will never happen. The greatest thing is you are forever out of my life, and I will never again have to waste my time on you ever again, you sick, demented, twisted, piece of garbage.

You threaten with that you have messages to prove i had an affair, threaten that you have proof i went along with it. Well, let me tell you what i have. I have messages proving you were manipulating and assaulting me… Yes… Rememebr the messages where i said i can’t hang out with you cause you wont stop touching me…. That was sexual assault! You had been told no by me before in Messanger. You knew darn well how i felt about it! You promised not to touch me anymore if i will hang out as just friends.. That is called a confession! You did it again later and pressured me into your last assaults by coercing me, you were told, “no you will not kiss me” again in Messenger and yet you did it again anyway by pinning me up against shelves multiple times after being told no multiple times. Forcing me to do something that I didn’t want to do, but not wanting to hurt your feelings and pride, not knowing how to tell you to stop because I was so afraid of hurting the person who i was helping feel better about life by being there for him… everything you did is called coercion and that is SEXUAL ASSAULT!! So go ahead, bring your messages.. Cause I will subpoena them all, including the ones you most likely deleted trying to cover your own behind. I’ll subpoena them and you will go down! So stop threatening me and spreading lies with the bull of “you got proof” through messages, cuz I’ve got proof that you were grooming, manipulating, sexually assaulting, coercing, gaslighting and doing everything you could to keep me quiet by emotionally blackmailing me and threatening that you tried to kill yourself 5 times. It’s over!!!!

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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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