I will stop blaming myself

  • So for over a year i blamed myself for Js pain. I was always made to feel guilty for him being hurt, not having a family, point blank… Not getting sex. As a good friend i let him stay friends with me cause of the message he sent me from a fake account where he through the biggest guilt trip on me ever about how i had took away his best friend (me) by blocking him. Why did i have ro go and make it where we could never talk again? The letter was filled with blame on me for his heartbreak, his emotional blackmail of these so called messages he had to “cause a dicorce and make me lose it.” It’s true that in these messages i did in fact admit to liking him, let him go on talking about “if” we had a future together, he rambled on sexually and i would just change the topic. He had me so manipulated that i just ignored his sexual harrasment and let him type away. 
  •  Note never one time did i engage back in his sick sexual talk, it was all him.
  • He made me fearful that he was going to kill himself over me. He told me that he tried to shoot himself in the head five times, clearly he failed.
  • I was always apologizing for hurting him, always trying to make him feel better. He made me think of myself as someone who destroyed his life cause i had made him believe there could be an us. This however is not true! I never told him there could be an us, unless my husband and i divorced, but i was not leaving without reason of adultry from him, abuse, or if he left being the unbeliever. It took alot of time to sort out that i am not the bad guy here. I never inticed him to keep chasing me, i never touched him, i never initiated kissing him, i didn’t grope him, i didn’t nibble on his ear, all the things he did to me knowing i was not ok with it. I simply said yes, you can come hange out while I’m here. I told him no to holding me and  a short time later he kissed me after he had been told no. I told him to keep his eye open for someone else, i tried to get him to see how rough life would be trying to develop a relationship of more then friendship with me due to a husband… Would be ex if that would have been the case..kids, a mortgage, i had a whole life that he would have to fit into and that was going to be far from easy. No matter how hard i tried to make him see, he would manipulate things back to becoming an “us.” After he didn’t get his way he turned on me like a snake with poisonous venom. I didn’t deserve the way he was treating me, threatning me, blakmailing me, and Manipulating me. So now today i write with boldness…
  •  I will stop blaming myself!
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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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