50 Shades of Grey/Darker. How I lived part of the books.

I personally do not like to “listen to” pornish stuff. I don’t watch it either, but my coworker got me into the 50 shades books. When it comes to the sexual content i just remove my ear buds multiple times and follow the rest if the story as best i can. 

  • Now on the forth book, darker, we are where christian takes anna to get her hair cut. She finds out that elana, “aka” mrs. Robison to anna, infact ownes, along with Christian, the beauty shop. Elana and christian are standing there talking about anna and elana finds out that christian has told anna all about his past with her. Elana is shocked and says to christian, “I’m suprised you told her about us, so much for confidentially.” 
  • This brings my mind to a part of my assaulter. He was putting guilt on me when i told him that i told my husband about how he kissed me. J was shocked that i told him and said that he would like to have kept that just between us. I owed him no confidentiality of the things he did to me anymore then in the story of christian owing elana confidentiality. He wanted a private moment for just us to always remember. That was his reasoning. If he believes he did nothing wrong why would he need to hide it? I don’t believe for one minute that it was because he wanted to keep it private. I believe he was scared. Scared that my husband was going to come after him, maybe to talk me into pressing charges for sexual assault. I know he didn’t keep it private himself anyway cause he later was caught in a lie that he had told, he told a mutual friend about kissing me. He also was telling things to another guy about, in his head, “us. “i found that out through another mutual friend. Elana was the same way, she knew christian was under age. She knew she was an old woman that had no right to ever even touch christian, a mid teen boy. She didn’t want her sexual assault on him known cause it would shame her. She would lose everything, her reputation would forever be destroyed. She would be known to be a horrible, sick person.That is why my assault/ kiss was wanted to keep secret.
  • Kiss in the elevator, kiss against the shelves. Im guessing this part of 50 shades of gray is why i was forcefully shoved up against the shelves in Walmart multiple times. Chriatian and anna were in the elevator and christian, no longer able to control himself, shoves anna up against the wall and starts kissing her. It’s true that women watching this in a movie or reading a book may feel a thrill and excitement. This in no way gives a person the right to attempt doing it to another human without knowing they have a clear yes of being touched by another person. Our hearts beat wildly at the fictional romance, some may really want to feel it, but others are satisfied with just the fiction of seeing someones art work or reading about it. Once, i publicly told J on facebook, ” who do you think you are? Christian gray?” Cause chriatian was one for punishing and spanking women when they went against him. My mind wonders if maybe he went out and watched the movie, saw the elevator part or maybe just someone had been talking about it. Maybe he thought he could thrill me and get his way with me by forcing himself on me and shoving me against the shelves at walmart while kissing me. I was married, he had previously been told no to touching me and holding my hand. He had no right to do what he did! 
  • It’s all very clear to me now. He manipulated every situation he could and forced himself on me multiple times using what he thought would give me a thrill and bring me into his submission. Now that i see it all so clearly, every moment as “friends”, every manipulation, every single touch, it makes me feel nauseated. Women have to fight back, constanly fight off in this day and age and that is beyond wrong. It’s time for men, and sometimes even women, to back off with touching and stand up against assault!
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    Author: heidifowler

    I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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