Sexual manipulator… How did i not see the signs??

  • see my “me too” story here
  • Sometimes i want to cry. I feel it building up inside of me, but i can’t. It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff waiting to go zip lining. Your heart is pounding, you know you just have to do it, but there is something inside of you holding you back. You can’t make your feet move. Why is it so hard to just jump, to just let go and head down the zip line? You know you will feel better once you do it. That’s how i feel when i think about this part of my life. My mind twists back and forth… How did i not see this? Why did i keep letting him do this to me? Why didn’t i make it stop? I hated it when he was using Sexual jokes on me. I hated when he was trying to seduce me with sexual talk, using the if we were together, or in the future bull crap. I feel an ache that seems like if i could just cry, it may help to heal it… But i can’t.. My kids are always around.. Or I’m at work, or my husband is always near me.. Or we have family visiting… But even if i could let out the emotions out by crying, i feel it would just start all over again. The questions never stop, the lack of unserstanding.. Why did he push himself on me yet claim i was his best friend? Who treats their best friend like some slut that can be touched just cause he wants to. What kind of a friend forces you to do something that you both have talked about and you told him many times you didn’t want to cause it wasn’t right cause you are married. He had to have known you would feel really bad if something ever did happen between you sexually, and yet he tried to manipulate it happening anyway with words and actions. Then when you have had enough he start s spreading crap around that you had an affair… No! I didn’t have an affair…. You sexually assaulted me and manipulated me into kissing you back over some time. Why do i even need to cry anyway? It’s not my fault, and yet i feel stupid! I made myself look lame and weak.. I thought i was strong and a good judge of character. He has ruined how i look at other people now. The other day i saw 3 guys at good will, mid 20s maybe. The thought flashed through my head right away, wow.. Look at those jerks… Smiling, having fun, acting like they are nice when they are most likely sexual assaulters. I felt a dislike for them when they had done nothing to make me think that. I have to now learn how to not judge everyone alike… Not every guy is bad… But now… I don’t even trust myself to have faith in other people. A work in progress.
  • Good links on sexual manipulation
  • #don’t be a victim!


    Author: heidifowler

    I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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