A brief reason behind this story, for those who read it and don’t seem to understand that my purpose is to help others not to make the same mistake I did and be a victim. To not be so trusting of people.. not just MEN! WOMEN can assault people as well. My point is for people to find their voice, to fight back when someone sexually touches you. Don’t remain quiet and just let them do it to spare their feelings, don’t feel embarrassed to call them out on what they are doing, right in the moment they are doing it, and don’t bother to give them the benifit of trusting that they will not do it again and hang out with them again just cause they promise they will never touch you again, cause they will! I know they will cause he did! If they were told no to holding hands through a message, and you hang out with them, they hold you anyway, kiss you anyway, do any of these things; speak up, fight back, slap or kick, and don’t continue hanging out with the feeling of disgust. Once they assault you the first time, they should have lost all your respect for them. You have every right to make it stop, their feelings are no longer important.
So remember this;
Say NO if you don’t want him or her to touch you.
push, hit, or kick them off of you.
their feelings no longer matter.
you’re not being rude by protecting YOUR BODY or YOUR HONOR
You have every right to walk away and end the hanging out session, cause they broke your trust.
Since some people are not reading my story and always “getting it”.. my story is not to just tell what he did, but to show how my reaction to it caused me to be assaulted again. how i shouldn’t have been so trusting, and how I should have respected myself more by calling him out on what he was doing. I already know I went back after he assaulted me multiple times cause I was dumb enough to believe him when he promised not to do it again. I already know I did not fight back. that is the point of me coming forward, to help other learn from my mistake.
My mistake was to trust him, my mistake was to hang out as friends knowing that we did have a liking for one another (though I believe he really liked me more to control me and he begged to hang out as friends and said I helped his depression go away by being with me. A true players lie!)
Condenced story of
“Victim Of Manipulated Affair
For whole Long story involving my marriage, start at blog 1.
High light view before my story of my sexual assault.
It took me a year and some odd months to;
1 realise that I had been assaulted and what he did was an act of violence, not an act of “oh, i can’t help myself cause I care so much for you.”
2 tell my husband the whole story, he only knew about the kiss, not all the assault before that.
3 to realise i was being brainwashed, groomed, manipulated, gaslighted, and coerced (which is rape.)
4 to see that my reputation was not as important as maybe helping others who were in the same situation, by sharing my story of, unlike his, what really did happen.
5 i didn’t see, for a very long time, that he was trying to blackmail into being silent and not telling what he did to me with messages that HE created with his own perverted talking. I was guilty of not telling him to stop talking the way he did to me. I was guilty because i am not one to tell people what to do, i am the kind of person that just deals with sexual harrassment/talk and doesn’t make it stop because i never want to upset anyone, specially my friends. (Something i thought he was)
6 it took me over a year to stop blaming myself that i was assaulted. I blamed myself because i hung out with him, more then once, because he used his manipulation tactics of, “but you make my depression go away when i am with you. ” he used the, “just hang out as friends” bull crap line. Me, being sympathetic, and enjoying having a friend to help and that i also liked being around fell for it and pushed aside all his touching and made exuses for him. It took a while to see it’s not my fault! He did it, he was in control of his own actions. No means no! if you do it anyway or try to get the person to give in, (coerce them) that makes you are rapist! A rapist of the mind or physically, same thing. Rape comes in many shapes and forms. Raping of the mind is through texting, talking, and emailing. Anything with sexual speech with great detail of a sexual act you would perform on someone is a form of rape of the mind.
7 it has took a while, but I’m starting to remember bits and pieces here and there of things J did, and said to me. It has drawn me to this, when I remember parts, i will add it to my blogs, and I will never back down! No matter how much he threatens me with a lawsuit of slander. Why? I’ll tell you why.. Because I know how I felt when he touched me after being told no, multiple times. i know what I was thinking then and i know what i wish I would have said. I know i was not ok with it. I know i only “went along with it” so I could get away from him when he was done and never hang out with him again until i knew i was ending my marriage. ( i told him i Wasn’t doing that “yet” either) i didn’t know where my marriage was going, so he was trying to get me to cheat against my will! So no, it wasn’t my fault and I will keep telling the truth of what did really happen. it’s time for these sick perverts to keep their hands off! If i say, “no, we can’t, that’s not right” it doesn’t mean keep on until i stop telling you no just to get you to leave me alone with the harrassment and it doesn’t mean do it anyway! It means KEEP YOUR FREAKIN HANDS OFF OF ME!!!!!
Even after i got my husband involved, j was still trying to manipulate the situation to what he wanted. He was constantly putting my husband down, telling me he didn’t seem sincere with things he was saying to me. I got really agrivated with him and said, it seemed sincere in the shower. I was chewed out and put down for saying that for 2 or 3 days, even after saying sorry a bunch of times for “making him have that visual that i knew would hurt him so much”. ( according to him) Another time he told me he couldn’t see my husband being able to give me an orgasm. I was put down for getting pregnant with my son cause i, at one point in life, told J i wouldn’t have more kids with my husband cause i didn’t trust him. He got mad at me and put me down because he “knew” i was having sex with my husband and he would like to “get layed too.” His talk and rudeness was never ending. So, even if i had been more bold then what i was, it wouldn’t have worked because he never respected anyone else or their feelings. He told me he was going to get a Foreigner girl, marry her and treat her like crap, i don’t remember his exact words. That way he could have someone to cook for him and be there to talk to when he wanted someone to talk to. He is now dating a girl who is Russian. I wonder how things are going? He plainly told me he was going to just use some female that he would buy online. I want to reach out to her, but he has convinced her to block me. Probably cause he is afraid i will make her see the light and break from his manipulation. I’m sure he is doing to her what he did to me.
He blamed me for the loss of our friendship, called me crazy, told others i am crazy, and that i had an affair on my husband that beat me. ( my husband is not a beater, j took a couple things i told him, out of context, and used them to make his version of the story that he was being a hero.) Last time i checked, hero’s keep off when told no. they don’t force themselves on you. He told me i never put any effort into the friendship. He bragged that his new girl friend paid him attention, unlike me. I tried to explain to him that is how it should be because i was married and shouldn’t be contacting him in private. (Duh… Look what happened before with his sexual bull and manipulation.) He told me that i had to start contacting him to try to earn his friendship back, in So many words. I told him screw you, im not messaging you. He was very manipulitive and controlling. As soon as i started standing my ground he started getting mean and very openly controlling. (lost the mask) While we were still talking, after everything had went down, he was always telling me that i didn’t know anything about him anymore, that my opinions meant nothing to him/effect him anymore. He treated me like he was trying to hurt me, trying to bring me down and fill my mind with doubt about everything in my life. Then he would turn around and act like we were friends again. It was a constant back and forth thing of bullying me mentally with his words. Once I stood up for myself and started speaking my mind and started taking his control away, he started creating a situation where he no longer needed me and spun lies that i was being mean to him and he no longer wanted me in his life, so i started turning everything around to make him look like a bad guy. Manipulation, gaslighting at it’s best. They are nothing but liars.
I was working at a local restaurant when i met this guy, we will call him J. He friend requested me and started messaging me on facebook. The messages started out slow, but over time they started to come as often as every day. J would tell me things like he was so depressed, that he had no friends and for an unknown reason to him his friends would always leave him. I tried to be a good listener, to always show him kindness. There were many times he would be so negative, it would start pulling me down in my spirit. After about two years of talking i started needing some space. I was married, and although my marriage was on the rocks, I felt like it was too much private conversation going on, specially considering J would often talk sexually in a joking way. After time went by i started feeling like I liked him more then a friend, he started questioning me about my feelings and i was very open with the truth that i liked him, but would not leave my husband unless he had another one of his divorce worthy screw ups. I told J to just keep his eyes open for other people to date cause i didn’t know where my life was going. I liked him, but i had no intentions on making him wait for me. He decided he wanted to make me his and told me he would enjoy trying to win me over. I stopped in his new place of work because he was begging me to hang out with him, he wanted it to be just me and him cause it made him sad to see me and my husband together cause he claimed he was starting to love me. I felt myself really starting to like him, but i was fighting it as best i could. He started drilling in my head that my husband didn’t love me, that God didn’t want me with him, and he and i belonged together. I loved the way he was so charming and romantic through messenger, but he was also being sexual, and i hated that. Once, i told him relationships don’t have to be about sex, you know. I should have been blunt enough to tell him not to speak to me like that, but it was easier too just ignore it and change the subject.
1st Assault by J.
So as i was saying before… I went to J’S place of work to say hello while i was in the mall returning a broken bottle of spray. I didn’t see him so i messaged him to see if he was in the back working. He wasn’t working, but asked if he should come over so we could hang out. I said sure, but felt uneasy about it. While we were hanging in boscovs he kept holding me from behind. I would slowly walk away to get him off of me. In my head i was thinking, “i didn’t invite you to hang out to keep touching all over me.” i didn’t have the nerve to say it and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or be a bad friend so i just continued to walk away after each time. I should have made him stop, i should have told him right then and there, bluntly, how i felt, but i didn’t respect myself enough to stand up for myself when i should have. He later convinced me to come sit on a sofa in boscovs to “try it out.” When i sat down beside him he scooted in closer to me and started nibbling on my ear. I felt so uncomfortable, and numb. I was sitting there feeling disgusted and couldn’t move. He knew i wasn’t ok with this cause we had talked about him not holding hands with me even though we liked each other cause i was married! I finally found my feet and stood up. After some time he kept begging constantly to be able to hold me, to hold hands. I told him no! It’s not right. I had it in my mind we would not be able to hang out anymore cause he was too pushy.
2nd Assault by J
Now in a different store in the mall, a book store, after his sulking at sears, cause he was finally made to keep off of me, he opened up a book from a book store showing me sexual positions. I slammed the book shut and told him that was gross. He told me he was trying to give me ideas incase we ever ended up together. This may have been verbal, but it was sexual harassment, non the less.
3rd Assault By J.
Right after the book of sexual conduct he leaned over and kissed me. I think i pushed him away, but i can’t fully remember cause i was in such shock. I thought we were done with this cause i finally got him to stop touching me.
Photo from Google maps where we were during all this.
Back to Messaging.
We talked again through messanger. I kept telling him we couldn’t hang out anymore cause he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He played on my sympathy and made me feel guilty that i was causing his depression to be bad by not hanging out with him. He promised me that he would not touch me if i would hang with him just as friends. I finally gave in but told him it would have to be a public place to make sure nothing happened. The next two times were fine. He kept his hands to himself and acted just as a friend should. He started earning my trust, so i thought. He started teasing me again in messanger that he may kiss me next time he saw me. I told him no he wouldn’t. We hung out shortly after that for the final time.
4th. Assault By J.
We met up at walmart. He pushed me up against the shelves and started kissing me. By this point he had me manipulated with all his conversations. Brainwashing me into being ok with his touch to the point where i really didn’t even notice when he was touching me. I just let him do it. It was like the normal for us to stand there kissing. He did this a 3rd, maybe even a forth time. By the 2nd or 3rd time i started snapping out of it and was like wait… You dummy.. You are married! Don’t let him do this to you. I knew i had already went too far by letting him do this to me but i figured it was too late to stop him now after giving in these couple times, so i would just go along with it until we finally left the store. After this I knew i would not be hanging out with him after this. I had to make a choice, my husband or him. I never really thought about the fact that he had been manipulating me with all the conversations and retraining my brain trying to suck me into an affair. I let my guard down like an idiot.
5th Assault By J.
While we were still in Wal-Mart he went even farther by groping me. I tried to push him off of me but he tried to stop me for a few seconds. At this point i was ready to leave the store. He had really crossed the line. Later on in messenger he told me that i like it and told me He believed he could get me to sleep with him very easily. I told him he was full of it, that i had to keep pushing him off of me. I was still in denial of how awful he was and continued talking to him for a few months after all this.
6th Assault By J.
While we were standing at our cars he asked for a good by kiss. I told him quite boldly, “i think you’ve had enough!” I wanted nothing more to do with this, i just wanted it to stop. He charged at me and aggressively pulled me into him, knocking the wind out of me, and kissed me yet again.
Just cause you like someone never gives them the right to touch you, or keep on manipulating your brain until you give in to just playing the part. That is sexual assault and it’s time for men, or women, to keep their hands off! True this may have not been as violent as many others, but it still left a hole in me. There is something inside of me that feels broken, that i don’t think will ever fully repair. Yes, in a way i set myself up, but this guy was a wiz at penetrating a person’s brain. It took me over a year to even come to grips with his multiple assaults on me, to finally realize what had really happened to me. I couldn’t understand all my anger toward him once i got my husband involved… I blamed myself, and felt guilty for hurting him, when all the time he was really the one hurting me. So my lesson through all this is simply this.. Never let anyone rule you, manipulate you, brainwash you, and if they don’t respect your boundaries, tell them to politely exit your life.
Here are some good sites on manipulation and about being brainwashed into an unwanted affair… Don’t let yourself be a victim.