8 victim of manipulated affair

shorter story of my assault click here

8
After reading many articles i started seeing it more clearly. I found myself getting more angry. How could I be one of these people that fell into such a trap of deception? Another article that had my jaw dropping, so to speak.

http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/2014/02/26/can-you-be-brainwashed-into-an-affair/

Parts of one particular article that were things i noticed about him most were these things.

“Giving You Little or No Time to Decide”

“This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.”

he did this by not respecting me when i told him i wasn’t ready to get divorced and to wait until i got to that point, or just date someone else until i was available. He wouldn’t, he just pushed harder. I even at many times told him i needed to break away from him for a while to get him out of my head. I told him he was in my head and i needed him to stop messing with my head. I told him i was too weak around him. Stupid me, i was fueling his control over me, thinking he would respect me and back off when in fact he just used it to his advantage… Again.
“Emotional Blackmail”

“Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation that is emotional abuse. It may include the use of rage, intimidation, threats, shame, or guilt. Shaming you is a method to create self-doubt and make you feel insecure. It can even be couched in a compliment: “I’m surprised that you of all people you’d stoop to that!” A classic ploy is to frighten you with threats, anger, accusations, or dire warnings, such as, “At your age, you’ll never meet anyone else if you leave,” or “The grass isn’t any greener,” or playing the victim: “I’ll die without you.”

He pulled this on me once i chose to stay with my husband and try again. He got a different facebook account and started threatening me, he said that i should know that he saved all our conversations and he had enough that could cause a divorce and make me lose it. Total bull considering my husband was told what happened by me and he chose to stay and pull me out of this son of satans grips. A tactic that he used that was bull but somehow He had me manipulated into being scared when is fact he was always the one pushing me and trying to seduce me in every way possible. I never spoke sexually to him. He knew that i had deleted everything cause i didn’t want the reminder of how stupid i was. I’m not sure why i felt obligated to be His friend… Brainwashed comes to mind.
“They use charm and flattery and offer favors, help, and gifts to be accepted and loved. Criticism, guilt, and self-pity are also used to manipulate to get what they want: “Why do you only think of yourself and never ask or help me with my problems? I helped you.” Acting like a victim is a way to manipulate with guilt.”

He was big on this. He made me a bracelet. Bought me a necklace. He was very charming at making me feel good about myseld, yet at the same time drilling me that my husband didn’t love me and never would. I was told i was selfish cause i wouldn’t talk to him when he was losing his job, even though he knew i was working on my marriage. He was always talking about his depression and how he almost killed himself over me cutting him off and hurting him. He claimed he tried to kill himself with a gun five times and got really high trying to get up the nerve, but just couldn’t do it. He was a perfect person that did nothing wrong, and i was the devil once i started standing up for myself and claiming my own mind back.

Here are some common tactics that manipulators use:

becoming angry
lying
intimidating
shouting
name-calling
pouting
sulking
ignoring you
playing the victim
giving you the silent treatment
making you feel guilty or ashamed
making insults
being degrading
Actions NEVER matching their words
Not ever taking any ownership or responsibility for their actions

he blamed everything on me and publicly told people that he had a friend who had an affair on her husband but stayed with him, he beat her but not in a while. (This was a huge stretch of the truth cause he didn’t beat me… He had been violent amd put his hands on me but there is a difference between that and being beaten.) He finished up with saying the reason i stayed is cause God said marriage is for life. He went on to say that i started treating him very badly as a friend once he met his girl friend and no longer wanted me in his life. This was another lie… Just one of the many. I told him to stop contacting me so much. He couldn’t take the lack of control so he got pissed. He now had his girl friend so he found a new victim to control and minipulated. so finally let me go.
This next link had many signs of knowing if you could be one that fits to being manipulated easily. Checking this list made me see that i was definitely an easy target. As always, they didn’t all apply to me, but most of them did.
the article goes deeper into how to make it stop. Very good information to know ahead of of time

http://www.emotionalaffair.org/emotional-manipulation

Pulled from other web sites…

What are some common emotional manipulation techniques?

Both Braiker and Simon also identified the following ways that manipulators control their victims:

Positive reinforcement: includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing, money, approval, gifts, attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile, and public recognition.

Negative reinforcement: involves removing one from a negative situation as a reward, e.g. “You won’t have to do your homework if you allow me to do this to you.”

Intermittent or partial reinforcement: Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist – for example in most forms of gambling, the gambler is likely to win now and again but still lose money overall.

Punishment: includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.

Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.

Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it, although often the truth may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the chances of being lied to is to understand that some personality types (particularly psychopaths) are experts at the art of lying and cheating, doing it frequently, and often in subtle ways.

Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a significant amount of the truth. This technique is also used in propaganda.

Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.

Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior. Rationalization is closely related to spin.

Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else was suggesting, for example, saying that a taunt or insult was only a joke.

Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention to anything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like “I don’t want to hear it”.

Diversion: Manipulator not giving a straight answer to a straight question and instead being diversionary, steering the conversation onto another topic.

Evasion: Similar to diversion but giving irrelevant, rambling, vague responses, weasel words.

Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.

Guilt trip: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.

Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.

Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.

Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator, while the manipulator falsely accuses the victim as being an abuser in response when the victim stands up for or defends themselves or their position.

Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a more noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way to be “obedient” to or in “service” to an authority figure or “just doing their job”.

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Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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