1 victim of manipulated affair

click for my shorter story of sexual assault

I am here to speak to women, maybe even some men. I want to share my story of how i was brainwashed into having a mental affair. Not the kind the drives you to another’s bed, but the kind that fills that void. The kind that makes you feel no longer unneeded. The kind that once you open your eyes, you see you were entering total chaos. For a complete understanding we have to back track.. By about 15 years. It was that time in a girl’s life when she wanted to be noticed and wanted to have her own personal love. I was 19. Young and stupid thinking life was hard and i would always be alone. I met him, the first guy that wasn’t long distance.. The one that I could finally spend time with. Heartbroken before, I held back. I fell in love when I was 15. He was long distance so we only saw each other once a month. He ended up cheating on me with a secret girl friend and broke up with me when I found out about her. Another guy I started falling hard for at 17 years old, he crushed my world, so I broke it off with him with a nasty good bye letter. Later we became friends again, I told him I was sorry. We almost ended up back together, but he started flirting with another girl before I could give him my aswer of yes. So after all the heart breaks no way was ever going to fall hard first. Let him do it all. I had no plan on showing a lot of emotion of how i really felt, even through marriage I held a lot of reserve from it. It was a slow to start romance. I didn’t know how hard it was going to be to build a life with this guy. I thought he would just fall in line to my idea of perfect love, perfect family, boy was I wrong. We had good times. We went to the movies, out to eat. We had our hugs and kisses, But slowly things were changing. We liked different things, different movies and music. Nothing wrong with that.. A little salt in a relationship can be a good thing. There were fights… Petty but fights non the less. Religion was the worst of them. When you have two people on two different ways of being raised in the church you better plan for many battles, unless you are the good wife that remains silent and only prays for her husband. Lets be clear, that was not me. Over time our baby was born. She was beautiful, a rare joy that God saw fit to bless us with. She made our life wonderful, but there were problems. The kind that don’t just go away. Yes, every family’s nightmare. Right before the baby is when I found the drugs. Trying for a baby and I find it, the thing that had destroyed other members in my family. Lets just add to it.. Drugs and alcohol, lots of alcohol. He tried to stop. Talks with the preacher. Talks with my dad. AA meetings, But lets face it, when that demon gets ahold of you.. You may as well plan for a bloody battle. Over the years there was more fighting. More drugs and alcohol. It would stop and start again. I threatened the I’m leaving line many times. That would clean it up for a while. We always ended up back at square one. In the mean time my heart was growing smaller and I was turning into someone I hated, but there was no stopping me. Neither one of us learned how to communicate very well. I learned how to yell, scream, and hold a memory of everything about him that pissed me off. I even went as far as to write it all down so I could read it and not forget.. I used the excuse that it was to make sure I never would forget so I could guard my heart. Who does that, hold onto every wrong done to you to make sure you can’t fully love your spouse? Just to be clear on this, that is not healthy. Holding onto all his wrong doings will destroy your marriage faster then he ever could. That’s you helping destroy it, not just him. It took me about 10+years to learn that, but not before I hit rock bottom. I thought he would hit rock bottom long before me. I had a little help to hit my rock bottom from who I thought was a dear friend. Another pointer to women and men.. If you are married, don’t let the opposite sex constantly talk to you privately and don’t share your inner feelings. He or she may be on the up and up, but be aware of the wolf in sheeps clothing. I know without a lot of information dealing with the person it’s hard to determine if this will be the case for you. As stated before, bringing up the past is dangerouse to relationships, So I am going to skip ahead a little. After years of fighting, feeling neglected, and betrayed by many things, I started developing a hate toward my marriage. I was working two jobs, had two kids, and was beyond tired. I didn’t feel like I should have to ask for help with the work and caring for the kids. In a woman’s world this is just known, to men it’s a ask me world. So, this is when it all started, when i met the other him. He friend requested me on facebook. Ok.. That’s cool why not? We knew each other by working at a local restaurant. For a year or two it was fine, but he started contacted me almost every day. I felt bad for him cause he was so lonely. My husband and I had him out with us a couple times. I have always been the kind of person who couldn’t turn people away, specially when they are begging for friendship. I was always told what a good friend I was, that he looked up to me and I made him a better person. I really liked having someone who was as desperate as I was for love/friendship. I never really had friends myself. I was the outcast, the one noone wanted. I have always had this obsession with needing to be wanted. I loved to be highly liked. Sadly, it wasn’t like that. So when all this attention came, I welcomed it. Hey, it was a friend like me and I could help him feel better about his life. We were like a team that I thought sounded like the book, Little Women.. Joe and laurie who were best friends without a romantic bond. Later on I would find out We were more like them then I thought, only without the happy ending of a friendship after she told him she didn’t want him. Days would go by that we would talk. He would talk about how people were so mean to him, how he was an outcast. It weighed heavy on my heart. He was a funny guy. He loved to joke around, just like me. But his jokes were a lot of times insulting me, or kind of dirty. I passed this off as kidding cause he got me used to thinking that was just his personality as a human… Later I discovered that the insults are just one more way of a manipulater to control you when they are mad at you and it would help there to be less retaliation. There were times I really enjoyed talking to him and there were days I just wished he would leave me alone. Mostly though, I wanted to help. I felt like I was getting through to him, really making his life more happy. He joined us for thanksgiving at my parents house. He kept picking on me and poking me in my side while we looked at old pictures of my family. This is where the red flag should be waving hard. Ladies, men shouldn’t be touchy feely to a married woman, playing around or not. Considering the new state I was in and loving the attention I didn’t really see it as being that big a deal. This was his first start at brainwashing. Maybe he didn’t know it, but he knew he had feelings, and he sure knew how to penetrate the mind. Thanksgiving was fun, lots of family and friends. He and I were sent down stairs to put food away in the fridge. I showed him this little room in the back piled sky high with dishes. The thought had crossed my mind how we were down there alone and then another thought crossed… What if he kisses me? Why would I even think that? Maybe I was worried? People did keep saying he liked me but I kept saying no.. He just really likes me to be his friend. I was only in the friend zone so I never quite understood that thought. Time went on and life continued. With stress of work and not feeling so much love at home I think this is where i started hitting my personal rock bottom. I hated that I felt myself being angry but couldn’t stop it, it was so consuming. My husband had pulled some more fabulous stunts that drove another wedge between us. There were times I tried to talk to him, but again, communication wasn’t really a strong point in the relationship. I always felt made fun of, that he didn’t care, and there was always sarcasm. so I just let things go and build up until one day they would explode. No matter how hard it is to talk you should always try. What do you get when you give nothing, you get nothing. If I had tried to talk things out more maybe we wouldn’t have stepped into hell. A couple months went by and we made it to spring. I posted things publicly about not talking to guys, only my husband, in private conversations. I started feeling like it was too much conversations between us privatly. I knew I had made my friend upset, but I didn’t want to be caught up in all these private conversions anymore. Through sickness is when things started going down hill. I had enough with a comment he left on my Facebook. I was so sick and he said, ” you deserve it.” What kind of a friend says that? I was instantly pissed, so I blocked him. After a while I started feeling bad and wondering if he had said anything about me so I checked from another person’s site and sure enough there it was, he was telling me off publicly, yet indirectly. I knew I had acted in haste and hurt him. He trusted me, i had been his go to person for a year or two and now this. Feeling fully ashamed i went to his new place of employment and watched from a distance. I unblocked him and sent a message stating i was sorry that i got so mad. It was right after that i walked into his store and pulled our friendship back out of the dirt. I felt much better, like i got my Laurie back. So it all started again. The messages on Facebook, the general friendliness, but i started feeling a pull toward him. This strong liking sensation.


Author: heidifowler

I'm a 34 year old with 3 wonderful kids, an amazing husband that ended up rescuing me from who i thought was trying to rescue me. i am the woman that makes mistakes but learns from them. i am not who i was a little over a year ago. last year i was easily manipulated, being made to feel guilty, and struck down by people i trusted. this year i have learned about myself and still learning...how to be strong. how to protect myself and never be a victim again.

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